Saturday, November 16, 2002
Magical! Spectacularly wonderfully delightfully deliriously MAGICAL! What a night!!! WOO HOO HOO!!! =)Just got back and boy am I pooped or what! Took Sophia ‘round to The Esplanade – Theatres On The Bay and we really had a good time. Honest to God I had no idea what we would be doing there apart from dinner and a stroll. Even asked Michele and my kor Danny for ideas but I milked the cow for all it’s worth already – ha!
We took a promenade through the Esplanade and I shared this with Sophia: the government pumped over 660 million quid into building such a behemoth to the arts and what frightens me is having your average rutabaga off the streets soiling the place with their lay thinking and hands!!! I mean think about it, City Harvest was built to the tune of 48 million and barely a year old (not to mention as yet unofficially opened), it already has smear marks, paint cracks, broken handles and soiled seats, no thanks to the vulgar off the streets. Nah, I’m not being conceited, just an honest opinion lahz. *grins*
Aniwae, we peregrinated to the Library @ Esplanade and had a good time there, just perusing through some magz and took a look-see. Oh yea, I was right! It’s so amazing how after pumpin 660 million into a structure, just about anyone looks cultured in it! So many poseurs were bummin’ around da place tryin valiantly hard (but failing nevertheless) to look chic and refined!!! OH MY GOD!!! I couldn’t stop laughing =) So much for the ‘singapore dream’ eh? Hasn’t anyone heard of this adage: it’s not the clothes that makes the man, but the man that makes the clothes!!! If you don’t have it you don’t have it! Give it up already!!! hehehe *wink winKz*
Oh hey, ya noe, I really wanna go for a massage at diz spa I saw at level 1??? It’s gorgeous!!! The scent of geranium totally tantalised meh =) me ---> da spa freak!
My tummy was rumbling by da time we went to the courtyard and I was eagerly checking out the restaurants. I couldn’t make up my mind so I called Danny but alas, he was no help either! We walked around the various restaurants before settling on Via Carra (I think?), some gorgeous Spanish restaurant.
Lo and behold, who would ever have expected that I would meet my uncle (not seen him for 5 years) at the entrance to the place and what’s more, he’s the manager of da bleerdy place! SHOOT! I totally flipped man! God’s really taking good care of me =)
We ordered a lot of food much to the recommendation of my auspiciously ‘discovered’ uncle. The Orange salad with salted salmon was absolutely divine. It’s so amazing how the chef could have thought of combining orange with salmon. But I’m sure as hell glad he did cuz it’s just gorgeous!
Oh my goodness!!! The second dish (oven baked king prawns with garlic and olive oil) made me drool!!! Now I know why they say that good food is like aphrodisiac *grins wickedly* Sophia couldn’t resist dipping a slice of bread into the savoury sauce, in full knowledge that she’d have to pay for her little ‘sin’ later hahaha! Oh boy, even the mere thought of it makes my mouth water!!! *rubs his tummy*
Oysters came next but maybe it’s cuz of the totally cosmic experience of the garlic prawns, I didn’t find much relish in it. Ya noe, when the waitress wanted to clear away da garlic prawns, my heart literally ached! I’m a pig ain’t I? Hahaha, what can I say, I LURVE good food ^.^ (Sophia, if you’re reading diz, you know you had better learnt how to cook! *wiNkz)
The main entry was lamb cutlets and it didn’t fail to impress. My gosh, when I looked at the dish, I suddenly felt sorry that I had only ordered a plate! If I’m gonna screw my diet plans, this was one helluva time to do it =)
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, it did! Wanna know why? My uncle footed the tab!!! Gee… what we ate must have easily amounted to over 90 quid!
We adjourned to the lounge to have a tête-à-tête and it gave me much to think about. Over hot chocolate and earl grey (my favourite tea), I had a heart to heart with Sophia and I realised that we’re not too different, she and I. In many ways, what I’m going through, she’s going through too, albeit ‘differently’.
Nearing 9pm, we decided (with much reluctance) to saunter along marina bay and visit this quaint Italian restaurant to see its décor. Nearing the entrance to Ristorante Teatro, these two jovial doormen (all decked out in matching costumes) jumped out in character to greet us and sneakily slip us the name card to da place. I must say the ‘act’ worked! Hahaha, which is why and probably the only reason why I remember the place!!! So to all ya aspiring restaurant owners, ya noe wad to do now =)
About 200 meters from Ristorante Teatro, Sophia suddenly remembered that she had brought along her camera and was just itching for a Kodak moment. Up ahead was the Merlion and I suggested posing in front of it. I dunno how the idea popped into my head, but I thought better and jested that we should get those two highly animated, not to mention cute and affable, doormen back at good old Ristorante Teatro to pose with us! Hahaha! By golly we really did take a picture, two in fact! HEH! Hope it turns out well cuz it’s gonna be like my first pic in two years!!! *laughs*
We had a lil’ jaunt to the Merlion, walked past One Fullerton, and by then it was already 9.30pm. Brisk-walked back to City Hall singing all the way, and it was really cool! I think singing’s like the best thing in the world, you get so much thrill out of it, and it’s F-R-E-E! No damnit! I’m not a miser =)
Couldn’t get a bus that would take us to Sophia’s boarding and after much walking around vying for buses, we finally settled on taking a cab and sheesh, that was quite an ordeal in itself! Walked close to a bleerdy kilometre before chancing upon a taxi outside the Y.M.C.A. God’s really watching over us =)
Got Sophia back in time and took a bus home =)
I’m so glad that things worked out for my kor, Danny, and his significant other. Spent the whole of last night talking till 2am. I can’t help but think, had it not been for me, Danny would never have wanted to call his partner which would have left things to precipitate for the worst! Danny calls me ‘cosmic boy’ =) hahaha, should I start wearing my underpants on the outside now?
Oh I do so love Danny lots and lots =) I wanna hug him!!! *screams* hahaha ^.^
Wee~ Whatta night!!!
I’ve been going for the book of Samuel bible seminar for the past two weeks, and last night’s seminar was absolutely incredible. There was such a strong atmosphere of faith and the Holy Spirit was so tangible to all there. We kept praying and pressed into the Holy of holies, and the presence of God was there to anoint all with His Oil – everyone was totally saturated with the Holy Spirit and He permeated every heart.Pastor Kong moved mightily in God, sharing the revelations and insights God’s given with us. He preached on King David, how though he had his faults, he was still chosen by God because he was a man after God’s heart.
Pastor Kong shared with us that it was because of the spirit of rebellion in the hearts of the people of Israel that they asked the prophet Samuel for a king, just like the rest of the heathen nations for they did not want a spiritual leader appointed by God to guide them. He showed us that though Saul indeed was anointed by God, Saul was not given the fullness of his anointing and he was anointed by a flask of oil rather than a horn of oil, symbolising that it was the people that had chosen him, and not God.
What’s revealed here is that there are times whereby what we want isn’t what God has in store for us, but if we keep on asking and petitioning God, He will grant us the desires of our hearts for He is a loving God, though what we want may not always prove to be the best for us. We really need to be careful of what we ask for, and always pray in line with God’s character and will for us.
David on the other hand walked in the fullness of the light and truth. When Jesse his father asked him to deliver the 10 loaves and 10 cheeses to his brothers, the 10 loaves were symbolic of the 10 commandments of God, for it is written, “man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God”. The 10 cheeses denotes the ‘rhema’ Word of God, the living Word of God, for cheese is made from the fat of the milk, as are fat offerings laid before the altar of God.
Things in the Old Testament are very symbolic in nature. For example, the name ‘Jesus’ in Greek means ‘888’, which represents a new body, soul, and spirit, which Christ came to give. And David was the 8th son of Jesse. The number ‘8’ speaks of new beginnings. In mentioning Goliath, the number ‘6’ appears three times (height was 6 cubits and a span; weight of coat 6 thousand shekels; iron spearhead weighing 6 hundred shekels). Just as the number of the antichrist will be ‘666’, so was Goliath ‘666’. ‘6’ is the number for man, and ‘666’ denotes a totally carnal and fleshy nature, with no love for God in body, soul, and spirit – thus were the Philistines. The 40 days Goliath tormented Israel is in harmony with the 40 days of Jesus’ tempting in the desert by the wicked one, the 40 days and 40 nights of the great flood, and thus 40 is the number for testing and trial.
David was faithful in the little things and thus God trust him with the big things. David was faithful in looking after the weak, and was very responsible even at a very young age. Faith has a mighty voice and David wasn’t afraid to speak up or confess his purpose just as Jesus confessed his purpose when Pontius Pilot questioned him. When Elihad ,his brother, accused David of being proud in 1 Samuel 17:28, Pastor Kong shared with us this truth: Those in the flesh will always accuse those in the Spirit of being proud, but God discerns our hearts – Being faithful and clinging on to the promises of God doesn’t imbue conceitedness.
Faith is developed step by step, just as David progressed from killing the bear to the lion and eventually Goliath, so too must we never despise humble beginnings for we must go from strength to strength.
King Saul lent David his armour to wear in 1 Sam 38-40, but David chose to fight comfortably in his anointing, not in another’s anointing, for Saul was a man of tall stature and a mighty warrior, and David could not fit into the calling God had placed on Saul – each of us move different as the calling God has impressed on each one of us is unique; no one else can serve God like you can.
This shows us the important lesson that we must learn to fight our Goliaths with what God has provided for us. Ephesians 6 talks about the armour of God and the sword of the Spirit is the only offensive weapon we have. That sword of the Spirit is the ‘Rhema’ Word of God, and active confession of the Word God has given specifically to us, for a specific situation.
Pastor Kong also talked about righteousness and how God loves righteousness. One can be wise and yet still not live righteously. Lucifer and Solomon were full wise people yet their wise-ness corrupted them and they weren’t found righteous. Thus holiness is the key for just as Lot was a righteous man, he wasn’t a holy man.
In Job 41:25, Job tells us that it is by reason of their breaking that men purify themselves. In thinking about this, I garner this truth, it is in times of sorrow that we repent, this breaking process which leads us to sever ties from our former self and that of the wickedness of the world, setting ourselves apart to God.
People always want the exaltation but despise the humbling process, yet in Philippians 2:5, 8-10, we read that the way up is the way down for even Jesus humbled Himself. The truth is, to reach the mountains of triumph, one must first travail through the valleys of trial.
Looking back, I realise that God’s provided me with a lot of trials I need to go through in order to be the person He wants me to be, but alas, time and time again, I have shied away from it all, buckling under the pressure, never fully relying on Him to sustain me…
I find kindred in David that he went through much hardship and wasn’t always understood by those around him, much of his time he was alone. Yet there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely for the latter is an emotional condition.
Wherever David went, God was with him and in Psalms 18:11 David writes that the secret place of God is darkness (sorrow), and His canopy around His dark waters and thick clouds of the skies. Isn’t it so true? The breaking comes when we are so sorrowful that we just let go and let God, and that’s when the miracle happens. Oh if we only yield to Him… Oh Lord, help me my unbelief…
Saul was a terrible man, persecuting David time and again for jealousy but yet each time David escaped Saul’s plotting of his death. Saul caused David much distress and time and again, Saul would break David’s heart. When I reflect on this, I cry because these past years have indeed been so hard on me. Time and again I’d always feel so rejected, misunderstood and terribly alone. The people in my class break my heart and crush my spirit, yet with each time I see how God’s hand has moved in my life, offering the hope of His calling and showing me the light at the end of the tunnel through people like Mrs Carolin Tan, Mrs Wee, Jonathan and Bro. Yock Kiang. Indeed it is when it seems that the darkness will prevail, that the light will shine its brightest.
Through Pastor Kong, I realise that it’s been such a misnomer to think that David wrote the book of psalms when he was jubilant. The period of time whereby David wrote the book of psalms was the lowest point of his life, for truly praise isn’t praise until it is a sacrifice. The joy of the Lord is our strength.
In 1 Sam 19:18-19 David went from Gibeah to Naioth, Rama. Samuel was in Rama and he was the only one who truly understood David. My Samuels have been Mrs Tan, Mrs Wee, Bro. Yock Kiang and so many others who interceded for me, who from their own experiences can share in my pain and anguish. When we go through much difficulty, we need somebody who’s able to see past our veil for the worst part of a trial is not being able to understand the trial, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
The Patriarch Abraham said in Genesis 20:13 that it is God who causes us to wander. Matthew 3:11-12 says that Jesus, with his winnowing fan, will He thoroughly clean out His threshing floor and gather His wheat into the barn; but He will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire. The winnowing is the tossing up of the wheat, separating the husk for the grain, the useful from the un-useful, the good from the bad; thus God deals with us. I’ve wandered many times in my life but through this sojourning I realise now that it is in God Whom I will always place my trust, for my heart is with Him always, I will never turn my back from Him. Oh they were tough times, such brutal times. How I was treated by my peers, the people around me, tossed about and buffeted in their midst, and yes my heart was exceedingly grieved, my spirit utterly crushed, and there it was, in the midst of my sorrow, in the anguish of my heart, that I’ve found the secret place of God. I will not be moved. Be still my soul, be at ease my mind, and have confidence my heart, for the Lord God has not forsaken me. He is never far from each one of us, for in Him we live, and move, and have our being… Oh Lord my heart cries out and You hear me, in You my soul is contend; You are my exceedingly great reward.
David went through 15 phases of trial before he was finally enthroned. It is in moments when all seems to be lost, God who is always just on time, will send His word to protect us as He did with David. Whenever we don’t know where else to go, God will always send His Word – Isaiah 30:21, “Your ears shall hear a word behind you saying ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ whenever you turn to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left”. It is when we don’t know where we are going, but still keep on trusting God that our faith will be strengthened.
David was heartbroken when Doeg slayed the priests (1 Sam 22:16-18), for he felt that he caused the deaths of the priests. He didn’t understand that Samuel had prophesied about Eli’s household being destroyed, that this was the fulfilment of the prophecy. David poured our his heart to God, sharing everything with Him, as a child would to his Father, and each time, thus was he lifted up in praise each time.
I learnt also that just because men prophecy may not mean it’s a word of God and thus are we to judge every prophecy for when David’s men goaded him on to slay Saul when he had the chance to (1 Sam 23:29 – 24:1-4), God had never called him to do so. Walking in the flesh makes it easy to reason everything out. God will never ask you to do something that will contradict His Words.
An important lesson I learnt through the example of David and Paul is that those who resist judgement from God’s anointed will bring judgement on themselves for in Romans 13:1-2, “Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves.” Paul wrote this during the reign of Nero Caesar, the most wicked of all the Caesar who would eventually behead him, but yet he submitted. David could have slew Saul yet he didn’t. I’ve learnt to see things from God’s perspective, that He cares more for our character than our comfort, for He wills for us reign with Christ for a millennia and for all eternity thereafter. Every experience one has is a chance for him to strengthen his character. This is the key to going through all of them for what doesn’t kill us only serves to strengthen us. Mrs Wee shared with me once that though we can’t control what others do unto us, we can control ourselves. Just because we are goaded to do something doesn’t mean we have to. The choice has always rested on us to choose what we will to do. I realise this now.
In Numbers 12:1-15, Miriam and Aaron challenged Moses’ authority, and they were judged by God. In Numbers 16:1-4, 12_14, the people rose up against Moses and oh what a terrible lesson they learnt – when you touch God’s anointed, He never lets you get away with it – God judged all of them who rose up against Moses in Numbers 16: 31-33, sending a great earthquake to consume them.
As did David, so too must we learn to walk with God for ourselves, for when Samuel died, it was then that David truly matured into the King he was anointed to be.
1 Sam 25:2-3, 8-11, 25:23-28 speaks of Nabal, whose name means ‘The Fool’, and how he insulted David. Jesus, in Luke 12:16-21 tells us that the rich aren’t necessary the smartest for the rich man was a fool in hoarded up his treasures only to die the day after. So too, the Lord struck Nabal and he died. Nabal is the picture of the fool. The fool says in his heart that there is no God. David is the picture of the soon coming King (the second coming of Christ), and Abigail is the likeness of us, those with spiritual discernment. Sometimes in the midst of our wanderings, God sends us people with spiritual discernment, as Abigail to David, to speak a word of encouragement to us.
Blessed is the book of Samuel for what incredible and wondrous lessons we have for us, if we only sought them out. I learnt that very often trials are repeated so that we can pass them (David didn’t slay Saul when he could for the second time), and honouring God’s servant is paramount.
1 Sam 27:1-3 teaches us that we must be very careful of our allegiances for we must not be yoked unequally, having two masters.
1 Sam 27:6-7, 30:1-6, unveils to us that the Amalekites, the very people Saul did not destroy utterly as God has commanded him, burned Ziklag, David’s city of refuge. I realise how important it is for us to do everything God tells us, to the T. Everything dear to David was taken away, 9 years of wandering to have finally find a place to call his own, consumed by the fire. The allegiance of his men were lost, David’s wives and children were captured. Ziklag parallels the cross of Calvary in that a) everything dear to David was taken away and he was utterly alone as Jesus was on His Cross. b) Ziklag is the picture of the cross of Calvary. C) Restoration and Victory which David had after 3 days was the same with Jesus for He rose up again after 3 days as well.
We learn that in 1 Sam 30:6-8 that David won back everything. 1 Sam 30:21, 23-25, 26-31 shows us David’s spirit of generosity, sharing everything with people who have helped him, and also with the men who abandoned him.
In 1 Sam 31:9, Saul’s body was mutilated, just as he did not honour David so was he dishonoured in his death.
1 Sam 30:11-13 tells us of Jabesh Gilead, the one whom Saul saved on his very first war with the philistines, honoured Saul in his death.
2 Sam 1:2-4 tells that David was crowned for he stayed true to the Lord and he was willing to pay the price for his calling.
In summation, I’ve learnt a very important lesson from the book of Samuel.
“These will make war with the Lamb, and the Lamb will overcome them, for He is Lord of lords and King of kings; and those who are with Him are called, chosen, and faithful." – Revelations 17:14
“Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war.” – Revelations 19:11
“Let a man so consider us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover it is required in stewards that one be found faithful.” – 1 Corins 4:1-2
“who was faithful to Him who appointed Him, as Moses also was faithful in all His house. 3For this One has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses, inasmuch as He who built the house has more honor than the house. 4For every house is built by someone, but He who built all things is God. 5And Moses indeed was faithful in all His house as a servant, for a testimony of those things which would be spoken afterward,” – Hebrews 3:2-5
To be called and chosen is one thing, but what is of utmost importance is to be faithful till the end. Saul was called and chosen but because he wasn’t faithful to the end, he lost the kingdom. David was called, chosen and faithful, thus he inherited an eternal kingdom. Faithfulness and faith goes hand in hand.
As I cried out to the Lord yesterday I received insights from God concerning myself. I realise that my time in ACS is but a trial for me to go through, an experience from which my faith will be stretched and strengthened. I realise that what Bro. Yock Kiang and Mrs Wee had shared with me earlier were true, in that in whatever predicament, I can always count on the Lord and I need to learn to rest in Him, and then I will truly be free for in every situation I will triumph as faith has overcome the world – Jesus lives in me. When I received that insight, I was rather stunned as Mrs Wee did ask me once, that if I did have the chance to continue on in ACS, would I choose to? I didn’t know how to answer then for I truly was loath to return to such an ordeal. Yet God has given me illumination. I’m not sure how but if God does make a way for me to continue on in ACS, I really need to grow in Him and rely on Him for the trials will continue again, but this time, as it was with David the second time he was tested, I pray I be found faithful and that I will overcome. What I’ve learnt in theory I need to put to practice – faith requires action.
Also God showed me the gifts He’s blessed me with – the gifts of healing and of prophecy. Yet as with any other, I need training, to be nurtured and subject to those who have been appointed by God for me.
Oh how my heart burned in me last night. I will not give up. I pray the Lord help me be willing, help me from myself, save me from myself for I cannot save myself. The old me has to die in order for the Christ likeness in me to be born. I need to decrease so that Christ may increase. Honestly I’m trembling, I’m terribly fearful of next year but fear’s of the devil. I need to yield, to move pass my fear and into the realm of the spiritual. Oh Lord help me, even now I know you are helping me. Steady my heart Lord and still my mind, for it is in quietness and in confidence that I shall find my strength. Help me walk in the way You’ve made for me. Amen.
Please continue to pray for me!!!
Tears brim my eyes as I reflect upon the day’s events. Oh indeed the Lord is faithful! It’s been ages since I last posted an entry and geez… so much has transpired. Friday nearly saw me breathing my last for I had really given up all hope on things. My meeting with my mummy was well at the start, but good grief, towards the end, even after all these years, we ended up bickering again, and I just couldn’t take it no more. Goodness, the last thing I needed was to have someone yammering on me about things she’s obviously ignorant of.I SMSed some people I’m close to and said that I was really gonna throw in the towel this time. I’ve given up. Benito. Chapter closed. Period. I peregrinated through the streets and bought a copy of the Virgin Suicides. The sensitivity of the movie touched me deeply and it’s so poignant and reflective of the concurrent events precipitating in my life. Half way through the movie, Bro Yock Kiang called me up. And that was my turning point.
Bro Yock Kiang shared with me his story, how time again he was dashed to pieces and hurt by the people around him, yet he never gave up. In spite of the spate of events, he chose to trust in God and died to himself daily. Each time a negative thought came; he would vehemently push it aside, claiming the promises of Christ, holding true to his calling. He told me how he used to think that Pastor Kong had black marked him, and how Pastor Sun had hurt him, but knowing this, he purposely made himself very close to the both of them. Being a dedicated cell group leader, he time again was out on the battle front, winning the lost to the love of Christ and edifying the body of Christians he leads; yet his own father died without ever deciding for himself, to be borne into the salvation of the Lord. Oh how he was grieved! Bro Yock Kiang went to the hospital toilet, took off his shoes and started to praise God despite his grief, having just seen his father on his deathbed moments ago. He told me that as he was praising God, tears were streaming down his cheeks. I asked him why and he revealed this to me: Oh how hard it is to praise God when one is down. But all the more so it’s important to praise God, for the joy of the Lord is our divine weapon for lifting ourselves out of the mire the wicked one plots us into. What sacrifice is your praise if it costs you nothing? What he said caused a paradigm shift in me. I was always of the mind set that I will not be hypocritical in praising God, that should I praise God, I want to praise him with all my heart, my strength, and my mind, meaning every word I sing. But now I understand what is the sacrifice of praise, now I understand the power of praise, and indeed, true it is, that the joy of the Lord is our strength. Hallelujah! =)
Conversing more with Bro Yock Kiang, he gave me insight that all this while I’ve always had a way out – death. He told me to burn all my bridges, that having chosen to follow God, may it be that I would give it my all, and not have some contingency in the wings. Go all the way, he said. He shared with me, of how he too, long ago, chose to follow Christ, and the moment he did so, he told himself that he would never be tempted to re-enter the secular world. With every ounce of his strength he’s fighting. Daily as he crucifies the rebellion in his members to the Cross of Calvary, daily his inward man is being renewed and he is being reborn. He told me to concentrate on the rebirth. Amen for that! That’s what I needed to hear! Oh how my heart burns within me, hearing of his great faith and others like him, giving of their best to the Lord. Indeed faith has overcome the world. My spirit churns within me; I want to make a difference with my life. I want to give of my all and my best to the Lord. I will not offer Him sacrifices that cost me nothing. May it never be that Jesus died in vain for me. No. Never! I am not the proverbial dog that returns to its vomit. I’m a Christian; I’m a sheep of God. Though I fall into the mire at times, sheep don’t stay in the shit! They get up and out! Only pigs stay rolling around in the shit, for that’s where their heart is! *bleep bleep* =)
I studied with my kor kor (Kelvin – he’s a darn brilliant guy from HCJC) on Saturday and stayed over too! Oh I love my kor kor ^.^ I think his parents like me hahaha, his mummy was even teaching me how to cook! *grinZ* I wasn’t really putting in a lot of effort to study. Was feeling so darn lousy again for reasons lost to me. I was feeling so grieved I guess, for what happened between my mum and me. I ended up cried so much and my kor kor held me close and soothed me, letting me know that he’s there for me and that he loves me (YEAY!). It really means a lot to me that he did that. So yea, having cried, I was bummed and eventually slept. Geez! He sprawled across the entire bed and I had nowhere to sleep so I ended up lugging another mattress and slept on the floor! Bah! When we woke up, I went with him and his friend to Changi Airport to study and goodness how gorgeous it is! It’s my first time to the airport via subway and what I experienced took my breath away. All I can say is – WOW! Walking through the terminals, I suddenly felt very pissed of by the JI terrorist group who wanted to blow up the control tower. Anyway, my kor and his friend Kenneth ended up studying whilst I just lounged around reading a storybook.
When I got home, I was so depressed again and I started talking to God again, telling Him that I’m not talking to Him because I desperately need His help, rather I just wanted to pour out my heart to Him. I felt so much better just talking to God. I cried a lot. Finally I picked myself up and finished up doing the prezzies for my beloved Mrs Wee and Mr Wong. I really felt God inspiring to write what I wrote. I felt this warm tingly sensation course through me and this warm fuzzy feeling well up in my heart. I went to bed thinking that I’d get to at 2am to start studying. That never happened. I just slept through and woke up at 5am-ish. I lay there on my bed, talking to God again, I knew it was too late for me to do anything and I just asked that He steady me through this. It’s also my first day back in school after a month long hiatus and I prayed that all would be well. Oh yar, some guy, Stephen, who went to my website, really appreciated the stuff I penned! Wow wee! Hahaha, my effort with that site didn’t go to waste after all ^.^
I went to read my daily devotions (not done it for awhile much to my shame), and I read about Peniel (Genesis 32:29-31), how it was at Peniel that Jacob wrestled with God all night and God blessed him. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. I knew that I needn’t wrestle with God to get my blessings like Jacob did; however I needed to yield to Him. I felt this seed of faith being planted in my heart and begin to take root. All praise to God from Whom all blessings flow. I left my house feeling slightly cheered up. Did want to study on the bus but I ended up sleeping on the bus. It was a non air-conditioned bus and goodness, with the morning breeze wafting in, I was chilled to the bone! I quickly got out my cardigan and wore it over my arms, snuggled up, watching the passing scenery and smiled at a memory…
… my kor had stayed over at my place not long ago you see and I accompanied him on his way to school coz he was afraid that he would fall asleep and miss his stop. He was having his GP exam that day and boy was he a bunch of nerves ^.^ oh I love him so much! I huddled up next to him and watched him as he studied. Wow wow! It was so gorgeous and I was thoroughly thrilled just being there with him like that. I loved it! There was this mist that had cloaked everything and the wind, the brilliant wind, tantalised my skin and I felt so invigorated. I took out my cardigan then, wrapped myself in it, feeling as snug as a bug in a rug, close to my kor kor, I love me kor kor!!! *smiles warmly* la la la~ …
When I got to school today, it seemed to be an ordinary day (I was proven wrong by the tremendous glory of God’s blessings through Mrs Wee). I timed myself so that I would arrive at school exactly at 7.40am on the dot. But alas, it was a normal school day and well, I got booked for being late by the prefects. I was afraid that Mrs Wee might feel disappointed, thinking that I wouldn’t show up again for my exams. I could see her in the distance and hoped that somehow, God would let her know that I’m there, so she needn’t worry. I love Mrs Wee! =) The penalty for being late is to have 10mins penalised from your exam time, but luckily Mrs Wee saved me! She walked me over to some steps and we sat down, and chatted a little. She told me to cut my hair!!! AIYAH! So mafan right? Oh by the way, Mrs Wee’s maiden last name is NGA, just rearrange the letters and you get NAG! See lah! *bursts out laughing* She said she and my mummy had a wonderful tête-à-tête, talked till the little birdies flew down so to speak hahaha =) Oh I love her! I brought out the prezzies I had made for her, told her to close her eyes and stretch out both hands. Hahaha! She was so surprised by what I gave her ^.^ I passed her what I made for Mr Wong also and asked her to help me pass it to him. Mrs Wee told me that the CPE didn’t want me to take my exams separately from the rest, and she told me that things would be alright. Having spoken to Bro Yock Kiang and learning his secret, I felt encouraged, that things would be alright. Mrs Wee walked me over to the exam centre and there I sat for my English paper. Oh boy! Oh boy! The selection of topics to do was so mudane to the point of boring but hey, a question caught my eye: Write a story based upon this saying, “a little knowledge is dangerous”. How apt I thought! I was about to do an expository when I heard the still small voice of God in my heart, asking me to read the question again. I realised that I would have written out of context for the question was asking for a story. I got down to writing fervently and hahaha, you know, I think my story is the tops? Yea man, it’s really good! I only spent 55mins on it and that includes rewriting the story again (this time neatly), for the examiners to mark coz I always have the habit of first doing a draft (in horrible handwriting!), then tweak it, and translate that unto a fresh piece.
I was so blown over by what I wrote! Hahaha, ego huh? No lah, it’s really that good! I wrote about adultery; a woman found a note saying that her husband has been cheating on her and how love, with a lot of knowledge (must keep to the topic mah!), tided her through. That’s just a very concise synopsis. You should go read it if possible, the real story’s brilliant! It’s my shortest essay and most brilliant essay thus. You know ah, I wanted to take out my draft with me but argh… the invigilator didn’t allow me to! I really hope I can obtain my scripts after the exams!!! ^.^ Hey you know, Bro Yock Kiang and my Aunt Rachel were praying for my exams and it really helped! I was so inspired and everything was a piece of cake! *has his cake and eats it* :P
Mrs Wee was so thoughtful, knowing that I didn’t want to risk being buffeted by my peers, she got me out of the exam centre earlier then the rest, then she took me to the library and told me that she has made special arrangements for me to be there to study in between exams so that none of my peers and their cronies can bother me. I love you Mrs Wee! She got me into her car and we went to her house. WOW! Her residence is so tranquil and there’s this permeating sense of serenity and love there. I got to see her daddy who’s a really powerful man of God, having single handed planted many churches across Singapore and Malaysia (just to share with you a thought, I’ve always help Pastor Kong in high esteem but I now realise, through having met Mrs Wee’s daddy, that great men of God need not be known by me – really food for thought to me). I saw what a simple man he is, how contended and at peace with all that God’s given him. Mrs Wee’s son, Joel, is very suave and adorable =) hahaha, very bashful too! The poor dear sprained his ankle whilst playing basketball (he’s an avid basketball player… erm I think fanatic would be more apt! hahaha). He’s now studying at SMU and was in the pioneer batch for ACS (br).
Mrs Wee drove the three of us (Joel needed a lift to SMU in lieu of his sprained ankle), to Mac’s. I got to see how giving Mrs Wee is. She told me to get four hamburgers for ourselves and ten more for her colleagues. She trusted me enough to give me her whole wallet! I decided to treat them all as much as I could, but I didn’t have much money with me you see, so I just treated Mrs Wee and Joel, then using her $10, I paid for the other 10 Sausage Macmuffins! Oh yar, just to tell you all ah, when I went with my kor kor to Mac’s the other time, this irascible assistant cheated me of $5 and I vowed never to go back to Mac’s again! Some vow huh? *laughs*
Mrs Wee drove me back for round two of the exams and the English comprehension paper was a breeze! You know, it’s so sweet of Mrs Wee to take me out to lunch thereafter! She brought me to the Raffles Town Club and we had luncheon at this quaint Japanese restaurant there. It’s my first time to Raffles Town Club!!! On the way up from the carpark, Mrs Wee joked with me about her day and how she and Mr Wong were delighted by my prezzy! Hahaha, but you know what? The both of them thought I just gave them potpourri! Wah liew! What an insult! They didn’t realise that I had placed little notes in the midst of the potpourri for them! Hahaha, she said she’s tell Mr Wong too and they’d go check it out. Hehehe, hope they like it ^.^ What I wrote is very heartfelt, and took me a long time to craft.
We chatted a lot over lunch and the things worthy of mention was how Mrs Wee told me that Jonathan still cares a lot about me and that we both need to treasure the friendship we have. In spite of what’s happened, if we value the friendship enough, we’d be back together again, stronger than before. My heart’s fire was rekindled when I was told how time and again, Jonathan asked after me, but stopped short of saying anything to me for fear of hurting me. Sigh… I really miss you Jonathan…
Mrs Wee also mentioned that Mr Ng understands all that’s happening and says that I need my mummy. I was pleasantly surprised that he knew that. God bless that man! I’m so glad he’s back with ACS(br). I really love him too. He’s a genial of a man and instrumental to where I am today. Mrs Wee shared with me that Mrs Tan is now the principal of Presbyterian High School and how she cried her eyes out on her last day at ACS(br). Mrs Wee reaffirmed this to me, that though we cannot control what others do unto us, we can control how we react and we mustn’t let others affect us and our faith in God. She urged me once again to apply the promises of God and not worry too much for the secret is to let God do the fighting for you. Tomorrow will worry for itself, and everyday is a new day.
Mrs Wee and I laughed and cried, sharing in each other’s pain and joy, each encouraging the other, and the love of Christ was manifest in us, lifting us up higher and higher… on her way to pick me up for lunch, she shared with me that it’s as though she’s my mummy! Hahaha, I’d love to have her as my mummy =) She shared with me how Joel, when he was younger, couldn’t bear to be apart from her, and now she’s doing the same for me. Fine! I’m a big baby! Love me more! Hahaha~ *bursts out laughing*
Mrs Wee drove me back in time for my History paper and I got crackling immediately. Strangely I felt no fear at all, though I hadn’t studied much. Even as I was having luncheon with Mrs Wee, I wasn’t at all perturbed. Mrs Wee prayed prior to us tucking in and in her prayer, she asked for God to help me. Bro Yock Kiang was praying for my History paper too. I said a short prayer, like I always do, before attempting the paper, and I had this inexplicable sense of peace and well-being saturate me. My answers came to me swiftly and can you believe it, I didn’t study China’s history at all (hate China’s history, it’s so childish), and goodness, I could answer everything! I realise now what Bro Yock Kiang said about doing your best AND relying on the Lord. While it is not true that God helps those who help themselves (logic would dictate that if you can help yourself, why would you need God to help you?), God takes what you have and greatly multiplies it. Go read your bible and see the miracles that were performed. God always uses what we have.
Gary messaged me and said as promised, he’s like to get back together with me and all. I’d like to give him a chance. My thoughts still linger on Wilson, I wonder how he is. Really need to start praying for him. Ziqi messaged me, Nicholas said I sound boisterous (he’s obviously insane! Me boisterous? Sheesh!) today. Geez, so many guys huh? Am I turning gay! OMG! Hahaha =) oh oh! Wait wait! There’s a redemption! Anna messaged me too! ^.^
Oh today is a good day. This is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice… heaven is open over me once more, my faith is rekindled and my spirit is soaring. There’s so much love today! Mrs Wee loves me, Bro Yock Kiang loves me, Aunt Rachel loves me, kor kor loves me, and I love them!!! Come what may I’m stronger now. Oh Lord, help me from myself. I want to make a difference with my life oh Lord, to touch the lives of others as my life has been touched by Your people Father… Father I do believe, help me my unbelief!
Got Maths paper tomorrow. I’d do my best lah, see where that takes me. I’m doing what I still can, the rest, the impossible, I leave to Someone who’s a pro at it – God.
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”
- Psalms 46:10
Friday, November 15, 2002
Woke up to an absolutely delightful breakfast of blueberry jam on toast! *rubs tummy* ooOooo I’m so hungry juz thinking of it again! Hahaha, I’m a hungry boi lerhz. Feed me! Feed me!Guess wad I did? I watched Resident Evil again but this time with my maid. You know ah… I think I got more of the spooks than she did. GaWd… what’s happening to me? *pouts* It’s juz me I guess, I’m not really one for gore and graphical violence (though I really do enjoy da Matrix! Who wouldn’t! it’s only like the all time best sci-fi movie! DUH!). I prefer watching poignant, lovely dovey movies hahaha~ Stepmum anyone? ^.^
Called Ally today and hmmm, we kinda got off on the wrong foot. Man, I dunno why I was so pissed with him. It’s like a battle of the egos talking to him. Good grief, we wouldn’t say more than two quips to each other before we start slandering each other. I really can do without a daily dose of vitriol ya noe? I hung up on him coz I couldn’t take it lah, and well, we kinda made up over da icq. We both agreed dat we need to try and be better peeps for each other. OOOo, it’d be tough, but not impossible. Ego! Get behind me I say!
You know it rained today? Man it’s gorgeous! I love the rain! It just saturated the air with diz tinge of nostalgia for me. Everything was stylised in blue hues and hahaha, feeling the cool caress of the breeze upon my skin really gave me the zing! *toOt tOot!* I snuggled up beneath the duvet, curled up into a ball and just lay dere soaking in da mood. Ah…. =)
Managed to convince meself dat I’ve got better things to do den juz lie in bed after awhile. I eased myself off da bed and went to check for messages whilst concurrently downloading Disney’s Aladdin, The Bourne Identity, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer: once again with feeling!
Saw my mummy’s emails and I’m glad things are well with her. I re-read thru the email Mrs Carolin Tan wrote to me and sigh… I felt rather disheartened again… I dunno why lah. I miss her so much. I guess I’m feeling da way I do cuz I feel as though I’ve let her down. Not just her, but everyone who cares for me: Mrs Wee, Sheng, Bro Yock Kiang, etc…
I wanna write a reply but well, my words fail me so hmmm, I’d save that for another time, when I can really find the words to aptly articulate meself.
I called Galvin and chatted with him briefly. Said he was busy but did promise to call me later today (I had a hunch he wouldn’t call, and hmmm, I was proven right). To get my mind off things, I started watching Buffy though it the download wasn’t complete. It’s so good! Hahaha, I din noe Sarah Michelle Gellar could sing! WHOA! Darn zhai! Really enjoyed watching it, but too bad it got cut off since it was just half way thru the download.
My maid told me that there was some circular going around saying that the power supply will be halted from 2pm-4pm. Today, I just switched off me comp coz I didn’t want it to be zapped half way. Sure enuf, by 2.05pm, the power was down and gaWd it was horrible. Everything din werk! I realise how dependant on ‘lectricity we’ve become… it reminded me of my time back in Abu Dhabi. You see, you need a satellite to catch the broadcast (got 250 channels to choose from), and since we juz moved dere, my mummy din get the satellite immediately. But you know, those months without the telly were the best ever! I cycled to me friend Aidan’s place (2km away) daily and we’d go cycling around the neighbourhood, into the desert and up diz mountain called Jabeel Hafeet =) you noe, my life was so enriching and vibrant back den. So many things to do, and I was so free to do what I wanted to. Back in Singapore, I feel so… boxed up. I long to be free again! Fly, fly, fly away… wild and free~ *sniffs* life in Singapore’s mediocre at best lah… it’s so sad dat most Singaporeans never see past the end of their noses. One thing I realise, dere’s a colossal difference to talking to Singaporeans den wif expats. The thing is, I find dat whenever I talk to unexposed Singaporeans, the conversation’s always very circular, always about the same damned mundane muck. I can literally feel my soul shrivel up when I talk to them. A lot of dankness and dreariness… haiz.
Ziqi went gyming today! Hahaha, he called me when he got home. The bugger’s keeping up his physique =) chest presses, 5km run, free weights, blah blah blah, all dat body building nomenclature’s like so foreign to me now. Been ages since I went! Back hey, I’m not fat or anything, still toned =) hahaha, people like me have it all huh? *laughs* but you know it’s frustrating that I can’t gain muscle mass coz no matter how much I eat, I never gain significant weight!
I remember da times back in RIMB. Me and the guys would go walk ‘round da entire campus after prep time! Hehehe, it’s so fun! We’d walk from the boarding complex, past the orchid garden, thru the senior’s block, then we’d peregrinate to the astro-turf. Hey ya noe, we haf diz ritual dat we ALWAYS do! You see, whenever we get to da astro-turf, we’d take off our footwear and walk on it! It’s so nice! Hehehe, feeling the turf against your toes! Hahaha :P it’s especially lovely to transverse over it once it’s rained coz da squishy feelin’s so cool! Hehehe! Ya lah, hope I din gross you out, but honestly, it’s darn nice! After the astro-turf, we’d skip our way ‘round the track 8 times. Yea you heard me correctly! S-K-I-P! it’s so fun! Hahaha, feeling the wind waft thru ur hair, and dat insatiable feeling of delight you get when you skip! I adore doing silly things. Hehehe, I’m really such a child lerhz =) child-like, not childish! Get it str8~ ^.^
Hmmm, Monday to Wednesday we’d juz go walkin’ ard. Thursday would be tennis but hmm, I keep hitting bloody ball out unto the main road and it’s such a shit going after it coz the gate’s so un-strategically situated. I’m an avid badminton player you see so I keep getting the strokes screwed up. Edwin and I used to play tennis lots. But hmmm, tennis really messed up my badminton so I gave that up in favour of badminton. I’d play badminton on Friday to Sunday from like erm… 6pm to11pm? Yea man! hahaha, it’s always such a thrill. I learnt badminton from my dear fren Mista Tommy Poon Ho Lun =) hahaha~ just to let you in on something, tommy walks ard boarding in his undies! Hahaha~ Mista Poon’s an exhibitionist you see~ he’s got the perequisties for it though. Was after diz girl called Chunqi too =)
Aniwaez, I’m digressing. I picked my badminton up from Poon and man da guy’s freakin good at it. I can never beat him for singles. Bastard! Sorry, I’m eating sour grapes =)
So yea, during my stint in boarding I was freggin fit. Ran my 2.4km run in 8.36mins =) but oh, jonathan did it in 7.56mins. the loon sprinted thru the whole thing. He’s a national runner btw~ can’t compare loh!
Yup yep yaRpz~ I’m glad I spoke to Ziqi, and he seems okay~ hahaha. Was chatting with him only for awhile lah but he had to go so we din get the chance to go in depth. We said goodnight instead of goodbye. Sigh, honestly, I’m so tired of people saying goodbye… too many people have said goodbye. *hugs his bolster*
Sheng smsed me saying he really loved me site! Here’s his sms to me verbatim:
“Hey… you know I really get the warm feelin in my heart when I read the stuff you wrote about others and me… Its so poignant…”
His SMS made my day man! Oh I love Sheng! Too bad I ain’t a girl, can’t marry him =) but hahaha, wonder if he’d want meh ^.^ *winkz* Sheng are u reading diz? *roars with laughter*
Ah well, dat’s me dae =)
Thursday, November 14, 2002
I’m wrong. Dead wrong. Da cycle didn't continue =) hahaha, much to me sheer delight and gratitude may I add? ^.^ Man, looking back at yesterday's post, I kinda feel awful writing wad I wrote towards da end of it. It robs one of hope and plunges one into utter despair. But truth be told, datz how I felt, right down to me very bones. Todae was Brilliant, with a capital 'B'!Started me day at 4am coz I really REALLY couldn’t sleep anymore, cross me heart and bless me soul! Dunno lah, guess my internal meridian’s screwed! Been sleeping at odd hours, it’s like I’ve become some pseudo owl or something. Heh~ aniwayz, I got up at 4am and was all geared to go. Da bloody comp took ages to load up with yahoo’s pagebuilder programme which kinda slow me comp down by degrees too (but I’m running on Pentium 3 600!)~ ‘nuf bitching =) k k k, I fiddled around wif da consoles again, gave things here and there a tweaking, and by 7am, I was almost done ‘cept for sprucing up da overall look and feel of it. Must say I’m darn proud of what I did! Da style’s so MEH! Heh heh heh ^.^ I got an ego problem liaoz!
Anewayz, dere was only one eyesore: I din noe how to get my blogger thingamajig to load directly unto my site itself. So what did I do? Da smart thing of course (did u ever doubt?)! *laughs* I called me friend Ally! Ok ok, I can hear it already: at 7.30am in da freggin’ morning? YEA! Hahaha. No lah, I’m not dat bad. He’s working you see, caught him at the right time too coz he was gonna leave fer werk soon. Beat ard da bush for abit den I got to the point. Upon retrospection, I dunno why I rang him up either cuz you see, he’s a marketing consultant and not some wiz wif da IT stuff (I’m about to be proven wrong). Turns out, my fren has been leading a double life (neo wanna be?).
Ally said I needed some java scripting software to be loaded unto my site coz my site’s static or something lidat. I asked him how I could go abt doing it and he said he didn’t know cuz the sites he’s done for certain companies already have the prerequisites. Bummer!
I tried my luck with another friend of mine. Felix is some software engineer you see. Rang his cellular but got no reply – another brick wall. Bah. I went through my site again and corrected any errors be it in font/spelling/structure. Received a call back from him 30mins later (HURRAY!). He helped me through the steps but in the end, I divulged my password and user id to him, making it easier on us both. I’m such a klutz when it comes to technical stuff you see. Hehehe~ he told me not to worry coz well, most creative people aren’t technical and that I needed to start practising with more web designing to get the hang of it. What he doesn’t realise is that I’m not the sort for homework! *sticks out tongue*
It came to light that the reason why I couldn’t host my blog on my site itself was cuz yahoo only allows for .ftp transfers if you foot the bill… pay peanuts get monkey scenario… bah I was so put out by that. But good o’ Felix was sincere enuf to help me source for sites that would allow for that without any premiums.
Got meself to tripod but then came another headache! Argh, how the hell do I transfer my yahoo site to tripod? The only solution viable to me was to redo everything from scratch. Thank God for Felix. He helped me save my pages and uploaded everything to the new site. Gosh, he stayed up to 6am to do it man… give da man a tiger! ^.^
Hmmm… Marc was too busy to call me, said he was busy. I dunno why I still manage to feel rather disappointed over it… after all, this isn’t the first time he’s said something and not kept his word.I went to watch this horror flick I downloaded from kazaa (dun sue meh!), it’s called Resident Evil. It’s darn scary man… you noe, whilst watching it, a thought came to me. It’s like diz you see, looking at the horror unfolding before my eyes, I juz had diz thought: with our imaginations, we can imagine such glory and splendour, yet why then do we still linger on the gore and monstrosity, focusing our imaginations on such insidious horrors? Hmmm…
I waited for my friend Ziqi to call too. Was darn tired already but I felt that we really needed to talk. Like Marc, he said dat he’s call me too. By 5pm, I really couldn’t take it anymore coz my eyes were hurting, so I called him instead. He was on the subway and hmmm, we couldn’t really talk lah, said he’d call me on Friday but the thing is, I’d be out the whole of Friday… I miss talking to him.
Man, lots of phone calls today… I tried calling my tai kor Wilson, but he didn’t pick up his phone. I wonder if he’s alright… he’s really sinking into his depression over him and Matthew, his good friend. Kinda reminds me of jonathan and I… haiz! Anyone got tissues?
Called Sicheng, diz fren of mine from cell group to remind him to get the peeps to pay up. We’re buying this fren of ours’ a bible you see, wanna bless him with one lah coz he’s been wanting to get a new bible for so long already~ hey you know, lucky thing I gave Sicheng my money first coz I’m like so darn broken. Literally! I’ve got nil in me wallet. Can I be someone’s charity? *wink wink*
Finally I just hit the sack, but not before asking Terrance to call me. Really need to talk to him.
I must have slept for like 5 hours or so. Wadeva. The phone’s incessant ringing woke me up from slumber and hahaha, Terrance was on the line! He kept his word! Honestly ah, I have little respect for people who don’t keep their word. Say wad you mean and mean wad you say man! basically, it was I who did the talking. Told him about my eventual meeting with Jonathan diz Friday. Gonna return him a book I have you see. I shared dat it’s logically be the last time I’ve ever have any direct contact with Jonathan again, and I needed to know how Jonathan feels coz even after I returned all the smuck he’s ever given me together with a note from the heart, he didn’t say anything or do anything to reciprocate.
Terrance said that jonathan did ask about me. I thought that was ridiculous when I see him daily in school. He was the one giving me the cold shoulder and wouldn’t even speak to me, now he’s turn tails? *sighs* knowing Jonathan, he’s just moving on with his life. He’s either too bothered to be bothered or just plain dull, whatever it is, my chapter with him is officially closed. I mean… I’d never forget him. I’d never be the same again after him. Single handedly, he’s managed to greatly shake my faith in people. Thanks but no thanks. I’m moving on now. My heart still hopes for better days but well… I dunno lah… everything’s so messed up. For weeks I was devastated. But it probably means nothing to Jonathan now I guess. He’s now jaded. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dissing him or having the ‘sour grapes’ syndrome right now. Juz dat I realise da totality of things and how things have gone. I’d always love Jonathan though… always will… man, I feel like crying… it still hurts…*closes eyes for awhile*
Terrance and I touched on various things, mostly to do with his church, Pastor Teo, and obviously, Jonathan. Word got to me that Pastor Teo has spoken to bro yock kiang about meh? I was in the dark about dat. I think I’d go have a chat with bro yock kiang about it tmr =)
My tête-à-tête with Terrance ended off on a good note, giving me hope and encouragement, dat well, even without Jonathan and Pastor Teo in the picture, we’d still have things to talk about. So I said goodnight instead of goodbye =)
I said a prayer of thanks immediately after… on wings of prayer, my hopes, my dreams, rising higher and higher again… Oh Lord, I love you and I thank you for loving me still, for being faithful to meh, though I can be such a shit at times... ^.-
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
man! what a terrific sense of accomplishment! i just finished 90% of my new website and hahaha, i feel so good! been at it since 4am this morning (couldn't sleep lah), and it's already 9.30pm! was so inspired to do another site when i saw how nifty some of my frens' sites were getting. ('.')zZZz feeling rather zapped now though~ lets' see, i got up at 4am coz i hit the sack early, made some breakfast (shit, my brain's screwed! i can't even remember what i had!), and i started on me site. the bleerdy yahoo page builder caught screwing up and 2hrs worth of my time went down the toilet. but ah well, it's either i'm a hardy guy or i've got like nothing better to do (i'd like to think that i have the tenacity! but hahaha, gotta 'fess dat erm... hahaha, i idled me time away~). i started doing everything from scratch again. sourced around the web for ideas and pics. found some really cool sites in the process :P was listening to 98.7fm at the same time you see, so that really helped me get into the groove. good vibrations does wonders eh? erm, no, i wasn't talking about vibrators... *koks ur head* i fiddled here and there till say 11am-ish? yea then i was feeling hungry and i needed a break too lah. banged some chicken wings into the oven, bing! after 5 mins, i had a snack to boot~ oh hey, i really reccomend this sauce called 'wingtime'. it's absolutely delightful. i got the original version this time but i reckon i'd go for the garlic zesty one the next time i pop ard good O' jasons'.i bummed at me couch for a wee bit, watched this zany chinese show on channel U called 'double 5, double6'. darn funny man! hahaha, i love the two guys - so incredibly moronic! hahaha, like some slap stick comedy~ ^.^ i got round to building up my webby again and hmmm, at two i had a call from Marc. man i really miss him and i dunno lah... somehow or rather, i just don't wanna lose my friendship with him. too many people are saying goodbye it seems... *sighs softly* he's my soulmate you see, and well, he knows it too lah. alot of shit's been happening over the past weeks and he needs some time out i think. said he can't handle the explosion of morosies, but i was like: waddahell? it's not always down in the slumps wad. to every relationship you have your up time and your down time, it's just the way things go coz we're all human and discrepancies do crop up, but it's how we face it that makes the difference.
said he needed time to think and all and he'd either gimme a ringie tmr or rape me mail box... *fingers crossed* whatever the outcome, i really wanna be with him lah... haiz... *hugs his bolster* had to go for diz church conference today but i was so darn zombified having stayed up for so long slogging away at the computer. told my cell group leader that i would watch the conference on the webcast instead and he was cool about it. but the thing is, the church webbie didn't have the 'watch us live' option this time 'round so i couldn't see nuts. damn.... bro yock kiang said that the speaker's kinda like reinhard bonnke!!! can you imagine that? man i loved the fire conference he chaired when he was in singapore. it was AWESOME! saved 12.5million souls for Christ in one single gospel crusade! now that's Holy Spirit at work alright!!!
hmmm, share with you a thought: i think my life is slipping away. now now, don't say i'm being morbid or anything it's just that well, i've not studied shit and my exams are like a stone's throw away... *sigh* i dunno lah, everything's so messed up ever since jonathan and i 'broke-up'. he was like a brother to me man and he's the one who was the catalyst for my spiritual growth. i guess right now, my faith in God's people is greatly shaken but yet God still sends me His help, so ultimately, i guess it's i who has betrayed the Lord... all my hopes and dreams, how i wanted to be the best i can be for Christ... everything's just dashed to pieces.
i keep thinking about jonathan. called him today but it was just to arrange for him to pass me back me friend's book. i shared with him how i felt through writing but he never gave me a reply. sometimes i really feel that he's so darn dull. doesn't he realise that he's just letting opportunity slip us by? doesn't the relationship we had in times previous matter to him? why doesn't he bloody hell say anything? oh screw it lah... i'm hurting so bad. shit this, shit that, gosh, i'm sounding like a heathen...
oh well, i think i wanna go sleep now coz i'm really drained... tomorrow when i wake up, the cycle continues? *shakes his head and sighs* people mean the world to me, yet it's they who ultimately plunge the poverbial knife right into my heart... can't you see my heart is bleeding? cant' you feel my heart's broken? but even then, David wrote in psalms 23 that the Lord leads us beside still waters and there He gently restores our soul... oh there is hope, but i seem to have fallen so far away from everything, totally disillusioned, not willing even to believe again, alas, am i letting God help me? i'm grieving His Spirit...
