Friday, November 22, 2002
Love breaks our hearts. Love takes no less than everything. Love makes it hard, and it fades away so easily.I’ve given it my all oh Lord, the best of me. Oh won’t You Father, move powerfully in my life right now? You say that he who waters will himself be watered. I believe You Father, I do believe.
As much as my Spirit has been grieved and been dashed to pieces, my love still rings true – I will love again.
I do love You Father, with all my heart, all my soul, all that I am.
You say that greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. I do love You Father; help me love You more. To give of myself to You, withholding nothing, surrendering all. Help me die to myself and be reborn again in the truth of Your Spirit.
I remember Bro. Yock Kiang’s story. I remember Pastor Kong’s ordeal. Oh how brightly their faith shines oh Lord! Help me be like them; a man of great faith. Faith has indeed overcome the world. Help me build up my faith and strengthen my faith.
Encourage me oh Lord, for I get so discouraged at times by all that people do to me. I will fight with all that’s in me, the good fight of faith; I will keep the faith.
I desire Lord, to worship You in Spirit and in Truth. I desire You Lord, my exceedingly great reward. I love You Father.
Help me with my fear and the grief I suffer. Help me not doubt and be insecure. Cleanse me and renew my mind daily, living each day with the hope of Your calling and the knowledge of Your purpose. Grant me life in places I have died, restore what has decayed; I am a new creation in You.
It’s not going to be easy, but I’d like to try. I need only look into my heart to find the strength I need to weather the storms. You are with me through it all. In my heart You work You wonder, to my mind You liberate, in my members You imbue peace. Oh Lord…
Love breaks the chains. Love aches for every one of us. Love takes the tears and the pain and then turns it into the beauty that remains. I’ll pray for love. I know in my heart that it’s not too late.
What I have laboured for, I have been obedient to. I pray Father, that You will bless the work of my hand and cause it to bear fruit.
All that’s been set in motion, I pray You help steer and guard. Help Dalglish Father, touch him a supernatural way. Touch him right now Father. Oh Lord, the seed of faith that’s been planted in his heart, I pray it take root and flourish. May he come know You as I have Father. Touch him right now Father, indeed this very minute. Bestow Your love in the void of his heart, and complete the soul of his being in You.
Through love Lord, shine Your light in the darkness of my cell group. Truly they love You Father. May they find You in the fullness of Your love and bask in the radiance of Your glory. Shine Your love into their hearts and dispel the darkness rooted in their minds for they see yet do not perceive, hear yet do not understand.
Breathe Your life into their nostrils and set them ablaze with love and faith. Where they lack understanding, grant them discernment.
Father, in our grope for You, may we realise that You are never far from each one of us. In quietness and confidence is our strength. Your still small voice calls out to us, I pray we be sensitive enough to discern, humble to obey – Your love compels us.
Send the Holy Spirit to our cell group Lord. May Your Holy Wind bring the sweet aroma of Your presence and the freshness of Your throne into our midst. Whatever is unfruitful cut off; whatever found faithful multiply.
Truly times of ignorance are past and You command us to obedience. Surely blessing You have blessed us, and multiplying will You multiply us.
I pray for love.
(Father I pray You help me as I write…)I’m at a lost as to where to begin…
I couldn’t wait to see the guys today. I felt as though my heart would burst if I kept it in a minute longer. Just so wanted to share with them about my breakthrough with Dalglish last night and how it was that I rang Bro. Yock Kiang up on the phone to sing him happy birthday. It’s the first time I’ve ever sung anyone a happy birthday song over the phone. My breakthrough with Dalglish was so important to me… but the moment I saw them, my words just died on my lips, and the sheer excitement of what I had wanted to share with them just dissipated – I realise that they just don’t really care.
Spent four hours last night, painstakingly painting Bro. Yock Kiang’s gift, and hours more just sourcing out the materials for it. I am so sincere about making him something that would express my deep love and gratitude for the difference he’s made in my life, yet when I passed it eagerly around for the guys to sign, they just signed it nonchalantly – they couldn’t be bothered.
Sure, they may have financed it, but it’s my time, my effort, my heart and soul that I poured into making it. Why can’t they see that? *breaks down*
Why is it that nothing really matters to them? Why is it that they keep rejecting me?
Michele wanted me to give Dalglish bible study. I tried to help her understand why I can’t but she wasn’t listening, she just didn’t want to understand. Oh can’t you see that I’m afraid? Can’t you see that I’m so fearful of being rejected again?
Everybody just wants to listen but no one desires to understand.
It’s so easy to say they care and dispense advice but none ever does walk their talk. All the answers one ever needs is already in one’s heart – all I ever needed was for someone to walk with me…
I don’t recognise who I see when I look into the mirror anymore; how, from where I first began, did I end up here?
Sigh. *closes his eyes and keeps quiet for awhile*
I wrote about faith last night, the evidence of things hoped for. All my experiences thus far have been of rejection. No one ever seems to quite understand; I’ve never really felt I belonged.
There were times I truly tried and had faith in the dawning day of hope; yet time again it was bitterly disappointing.
I’ve lost my song. I’m not sure I mean what I sing unto the Lord anymore. Do I still love to sing Him praise?
He is worthy of my praise. Through it all God has borne me, He has never let me go.
Did not my heart burn in me, where the fire and passion of His anointing coursed through me? Did I not feel compelled by His everlasting love for me to do His work? Has He not blessed me exceedingly abundantly, above all that I could ask or imagine?
Oh I don’t know now… how my Spirit is exceedingly grieved, being exceedingly sorrowful to the point of death.
I prayed so fervently for Dalglish. I prayed till tears ran down my cheeks. My soul was in travail for him. Oh that he would know the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, the communion of the saints, and the love that fills all in all…
Will Dalglish look at me and think all untrue? Not so I pray. Woe to me if I should be his stumbling block.
I do love him so much; I wish him well.
Maybe that’s my problem – the ‘curse’ of being gifted to love in a disillusioned world
I love them truly, whole-heartedly, but in the end, they spurn me as they have done in times previous.
Have I truly loved in vain?
Oh what difference have I made with this life of mine Father? What am I here to do? What is my purpose? I feel it to be so meaningless Father, so utterly utterly meaningless. Nothing I have ever done has lasted, nothing of eternal significance.
I’m scared to love now, afraid to love so fast. Every time I fall in love it seems to never last. I’m filled with fear every time I allow them inside my heart; will they hurt me in the end? Yet every time there’s a kindle of hope in my heart: could this be the one that lasts?
What terrible love…
Michele, I wish you’d understand why I couldn’t talk to Dalglish. How can one who has lost his flavour give vitality to another? Don’t you see Michele, I do love Dalglish, and it’s because I love him that I’m fearful. My fear is that I will cause decay. Rather than help him, I will have instead destroyed him.
I’m poison. Keep away from me please. Please, I beg you, stay away. Oh it’s because I love you that I don’t wish to hurt you. Please, please, stay well away; let me not dray anyone under with me.
Enough! I just want to crawl to my little corner and shut everything out, though everything’s already in.
Each day I’m in the night, I shall dream of my days in the sun. The beating of my heart will daily grow weaker as the love in me dies. Day by day, drop-by-drop, the poison you give me will stricken me.
Don’t you see, you whom I love, what you’ve done to me?
Jonathan, my classmates, my cell group, it’s you my love, you who have struck the final blow to me.
The knife that’s been plunged deep in me is slowly twisting, cutting up the bond to this life. Soon it will sever the nexus of my soul, the last bond that’s ever kept me here – my love for you.
Can’t you see I love you? Won’t you please love me too?
Thoughts of just calling it quits by slitting my wrist are hitting me in powerful waves.
Sigh…
pst: juz a lil' note - Michele, thanks for the breakthrough you brought me! I really needed to hear what you said, that's not up to me for there's only so much I can do - we must rely on God. I went to pray immediately after setting the phone back on it's cradle (actually I was dilly-dallying abit), and I prayed with such fervour for Dalglish. Oh boy! The breakthrough came immediately! God just so inspired me that my whole blog entry was drastically (more like diametrically ^.^ ). I realise where it was once full of negativity and reeked of decay, God pruned it into one that’s vibrant with life, hope, wonder and zest! HURRAY!!! Oh I do so love it! BREAKTHROUGH BREAKTHROUGH B-R-E-A-K-T-H-R-O-U-G-H!!! Hallelujah! :pShengwu, thanks for your advice on being more optimistic. I now realise where I’ve strayed. It’s all in da mindset!
Lesson garnered: I need to trust God totally, and surrender everything to Him. How can He work His wonder if I keep insisting on doing things myself right? Haiyo, I’ve been such a silly boy! *koks his own head* The other thing is be optimistic. Seriously, when I contrast my two blogs, I’m just appalled by the overwhelming negativity that was imbued in the original! Gosh! I need to speak life, hope and encouragement!!! Aye aye!!!
*does cartwheels around da room* WOW WEE!!!
Oh hey, I rang Bro Yock Kiang up awhile ago to sing him happy birthday on da phone! Hahaha, that’s the first time I’ve EVER done it! WOOO!!! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU MICHELE! THANK YOU SHENGWU! THANK YOU DALGLISH! Wooo hooo hoo~
Thursday, November 21, 2002
I won't continue writing about Dalglish. Even if I do, I won't post it here. It's too personal and it's plain wrong to just show it to an unscreened audience – I might end up hurting Dalglish in the process.I realize that I've been trying too hard, eyeing the flaws and speculating their solution. I'm in the wrong. It's never really been up to me.
For all that I’ve shared with Dalglish, I'm thankful. Whatever the reason it happened, the certain space wherein our lives overlapped has brought me great joy, comfort and understanding.
Honestly I'm so very much afraid of the unknown, that's why I've been trying so hard to control things, to pre-empt things and be ready for them.
Dalglish mentioned faith. Yes, faith.
He said he can’t promise never to hurt me, for he may well do so without even know it. He might hurt me, and he said that if I have faith, I’d know that he could love me too.
We can’t explain it, but somehow there’s this utterly cosmic rapport that’s been built. I can’t explain why I had wanted to share myself with him; neither can he explain why he wants for me to matter to him.
Faith.
I understand better now, and I’m comforted. By faith all things are done, by faith all things are conceived. Faith is a substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen . I hope that my relationship with him will truly stand out and make a difference. I pray for vigor, for courage, for warmth, for encouragement, most of all – I pray for love.
Love breaks the chains. Love aches for every one of us. Love takes the tears and the pain and then turns it into the beauty that remains… yes, I’ll pray for love. My heart is beating.
I don’t know how things will go, but I look forward to the new day with hope: Tomorrow may mean my victory; Tomorrow may mean my fate; The great joy of expectation, the wonderment of an unknown realm, the splendour of the vast future lie in the eternal tomorrow – the day for which life is worth living.
I’d be with him, I’d walk with him, communing in spirit and in truth, everything in love – truly love never fails.
Along together. It’s all two people can ever be to each other I suppose. Alone. Together. For the dreams and secrets of our heart may be spoken, but words are poor handmaidens, words can never fully say what we want them to say, for they fumble, stammer, and break the best porcelain. The best one can hope for is to find along the way, someone to share the path, contend to walk in silence, for the heart communes best when it does not try to speak.
Yes, this is what I will do – I will walk with him.
Faith and love, that’s all there ever was, that’s all that was ever needed. Faith and love will be our miracle =)
Two highlights today: Gathering at Michele’s place and Dalglish.The guys and I met at Michele’s to have a discourse on various cell group issues and to sort out the itineraries. I now assume responsibility for event planning, conceptualisation and archives. Really need to get someone to help me brush up with my web building skills *laughs* I’m like such a klutz at things IT. Sicheng’s gonna be my photojournalist and fellow compadre in brain storming presents. The fellas had better treat me nice if they want good presents! *ROFL!*
We spent around 2 odd hours making cards to welcome the newbies and I must say, I’m so darn pleased with my cards! Hahaha, my magnum opus =) Commented to Galvin that I should probably look into prospects of selling my creations to Hallmark. The bugger told me to set up a company to rival Hallmark! *chuckles* I had a good laugh man cuz when I asked him how much he was willing to invest in my entrepreneurship he kept mum. Ah well, what faith he has in me eh? ^.^
Michele made this darn sassy card for Dalglish. The persona of the card really suits him I’d say =)SMSed some new folks and gosh, there’s this RJC girl, Cuixian (I think that’s how it’s spelt?), who’s like so bleerdy hostile! Her replies were dripping with sarcasm and loathing. Geez… I was like so freaked out. Never expected anyone to be that caustic. Ah well, I hope in time she’s let up somewhat. No point going through one’s life in constipation ^.^
Oh boy! I SMSed Dalglish and I was so darn thrilled by his reply. Dunno why too! hahaha, I’ve been bonkers lately~ ^.^
The first time I saw him, something clicked in me. If Dalglish read this, he’d probably accredit it to this term he coined: ‘clairvoyant psychic feelers’! Sounds as though he’s describing some bug right? Hahahaha! My intuition about people has never been wrong, and I’m glad it wasn’t with him.
I profiled Dalglish spot on to Daryl the other day, saying that he’s an enfj slightly more infj type and I was head on! Woo! I get such a high when I’m right about profiles =)
We chatted on the icq and I loved every minute of it. Was really brilliant, the rapport evidently amazing.
Gee you know, putting how I feel down into words diminishes the radiance of the experience… =(
I ‘feel’ him, I ‘know’ him, and it’s with such a clarity that I’m startled. The last time that happened was ages ago with Kinfoong. It’s as though we were kindred spirits. Hope so! :PI’m too high now to write properly hahaha. Everything sounds so flippant when it’s not! ARGH!!! I think I’d continue writing later, I’m like so tired now (like hullo? It’s 6.45am now!!! *screams*).
Oh yar, we talked till 4am and the poor dear has to rendezvous in school by 8.30am. I hope he slept well. God only knows how grumpy I’d be if I didn’t get my forty winks =)
I’d say a prayer before I sleep ^.^ It’s been so totally cosmic and yea, I hope this isn’t some one off thang *sticks out his tongue* Honestly I don’t know how things will go between us (*crosses all fingers and toes, hoping*), but come what may, I pray he’d come to know the Father as I have. As he rightly said, he needs to give himself a chance. The trouble is, people in their conceitedness think that they need to give others a chance when it’s really been themselves for which the chance is needed.
I really could use a hug right now! hahaha, there’s this warm fuzzy tingly sensation that’s coursing through me =) *cuddles his bolster*
Okie dokie, I’d go sleep now and write later on hahaha =) I’m really on a high! SIMPLY DELIRIOUS! It’s such a sin! *flips* woo hoo hoo~ ^.^
Sunday, November 17, 2002
Met Daryl today fer lunch, but hahaha, it was brunch fer meh cuz I din wake up in time fer breakfast =) spent most of da nite previous watching vcds I rented. Fer all ya people out dere dun – I stress – dun bother watching The Faculty. It’s such a cornball story you’d be gagging.Da rendezvous being Clementi, I had to leave my house earlier in case of any respite dat may crop up along da way so dere I was on da bus, with nothing to do ‘cept fer listening to music. No prizes for guessing wad I did! Hahaha, I started smsing Daryl to bug him. Hahaha, it was darn funny cuz we were crappin a lot and hahaha da word ‘gay’ cropped up like so many times! Hahaha! We’re juz so G-A-Y! *ROFL*
Went to Holland V and I must say, I really miss dat place. Not been dere fer ages and it brings back fond memories. I related to Daryl as we passed by D.C.N.Y café about how Danny was sabo-ed on his birthday with whip cream ^.^ Da café wasn’t opened though so at ma beckoning, we settled for da Crystal Jade restaurant. XIAO LONG BAO!!! Yum yum~
Had a good chat with Daryl, and amongst other things, it was established dat he wasn’t gay (HAHAHA! Daryl are ya readin diz? OMG!). I was still rather hungry though I had juz downed a bowl of shrimp dumpling noodle, really wanted to order seconds but I thought better of it. Daryl treated me to brunch citing grounds that I was broke (how tactful!)!!! hahaha, I’m like so blessed =) I’m getting so much stuff this month from all ma people! Yeah! Hehehe *wiNkz*
Having some time on ma hands, I went with Daryl to his CIP venue and met up with Mich dere. Chatted about da cg and wad we should do fer Bro YK’s birthday diz thurs. Had some wacky ideas like cooking him dinner/bringing him out for a candlelight dinna with his missus, making him a photoframe (minus da pic cuz we ain’t got no cg pic yet! Hey sicheng, wah lao, got camera dun take our pix… too much ritez? ^.^), writing a song fer him, but it’s kinda settled dat we’d (or should I say I cuz it’s always meh doin da shit!) make him a mirror cum memento thingamajig.
Dat’s basically the highlight of my day. It kinda went downhill from hence~
Caleb was supposed to meet me for church but we didn’t meet up in da end. Dat’s dat.
Hmmm, I guess at long last, dere was an inevitable clash of worldviews between Kelvin and I. Things ended quite badly, I think he kinda excommunicated me. Wad am I saying? He has excommunicated meh…
Da catalyst for all da shit was in lieu of Kelvin’s mathematical representation of love. Frankly, anyone who thinks love can be quantified is seriously disturbed. Well here’s wad Kelvin wrote:
Love is inversely proportional to the square of time. When love starts at time = 0, love is almost infinite. As time proceeds, love fades. On reaching time = infinity, love is almost zero but never zero. Along the negative axis of time, the graph denotes infatuation. It is ever increasing till the time when true love starts at time = 0. The integral of this function is, however, experience. It is always positive and a consequence of love and time. At the instant when love is thought to be greatest, the experience gained at the aftermath is also the greatest. Finally, true love is imaginary, as love is never maximum. However, this only applies when time is the only factor considered. If other independent variables are considered, the graph would never be smooth.
See my point? From the onset I felt dat dere’s something seriously wrong with dat and Sheng helped me articulate it. Truth be told, covered in the mathematical vernacular (to intimidate/impress maybe?) are juz assertions dat have no substantiation wad so ever.
Upon citing diz to Kelvin he became, well, hostile? Dat’s a nicer way of putting it =)
Hmmm, it’s amazing how da human mind will work to preserve its way of belief. It’s like wad Morpheous said in The Matrix: Some people will fight to protect da system. Taking the blue pill and going down da rabbit hole in search of da truth is what few people would do. Though da truth liberates, it hurts. Da price to pay fer one’s illusion is da lost of dat illusion.
Plato articulated this well, he said dat men are like people living in the darkness of a cave, chained to da wall, dreaming day and nite about da light. Yet when they are thrust out into da light, they who have lived out their entire lives in darkness suddenly void of their comfortable darkness, will be greatly distressed, and will make a mad dash back from where they came, only, ironically, dream of da light again.
Kelvin, through diz experience, has showed me his childishness, pride, and most of all – malice. I felt dat those traits were inherent in him but maybe I juz discounted it bcuz I didn’t want to believe it.
Oh I dunno… somehow I’m sorrowful for having lost a relationship with Kelvin, yet a part of me is unflinching, I realise dat I could never have helped him anyway. Sheng says dat time, with lots of diplomacy, may be da key, yet I do doubt, fer truly da belief system is so firmly entrenched dat it’s become a stronghold. Uniquely in the world, where animals fight fer food and fer survival, human beings will fight fer their beliefs and diz is wad’s happening.
Da human mind and its beliefs is really such a stronghold. How does one change a person; even through love, to show da truth?
Pride will always hinder growth; pride comes before a fall. However it’s like wad I told Danny da other day, if two people love each other enough, nothing will be impossible fer ‘em.
Kelvin’s stubborn and prideful, his words said in anger he will keep so I guess dere’s no light at da end of diz. Da fact da he reacted da way he did hints to me dat he loves me and wants our friendship, but da thing is, I’m not brain-dead and gullible, you can’t enforce your belief system on me.
Wad is wrong is wrong, yet he will question wad is da truth? Granted, one has to know the truth, however more often than not, da answers dat we receive are directly dependant to how we first asked da question. Da posture of Kelvin’s heart is already da way it is, he will just humor people but no be changed – hubris. Somehow I feel dat it’s a defense mechanism… he’s been through a lot.
Wad we all need ultimately, is to have da grace and humility to learn where we were wrong.
“24God, who made the world and everything in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands. 25Nor is He worshiped with men's hands, as though He needed anything, since He gives to all life, breath, and all things. 26And He has made from one blood[3] every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, 27so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; 28for in Him we live and move and have our being, as also some of your own poets have said, "For we are also His offspring.' 29Therefore, since we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Divine Nature is like gold or silver or stone, something shaped by art and man's devising. 30Truly, these times of ignorance God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent, 31because He has appointed a day on which He will judge the world in righteousness by the Man whom He has ordained. He has given assurance of this to all by raising Him from the dead.” – Acts 17: 24-31
Da truth shall set us free, and da Truth, God, is not far from each one of us. Oh how my heart weeps… God is His radiance has predestined things to be, in hope dat all of us, each and everyone, should seek Him and find Him. Yet how many of us have truly searched length, breadth, height and depth for Him? I feel this heart-wrenching ache course through my being now, sundering it – Jesus did say “will I truly find faith when I return?”.
I did something I’ve not done in a long time after talking to Kelvin. I got down on my knees and wept.
I wept for failing to be the light I was meant to be. I wept for not being a stronger Christian for Him, that through my example, others will see His Light shine through me. I wept for how far I’ve strayed from God – I wept for my humanity.
