Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Tuesday, November 26, 2002Make me laugh
Say you know what you want
You said we were the real thing
So I show you some more and I learn
What black magic can do
Make me laugh
Say you know you can turn
Me into the real thing
So I show you some more
And I learnI just got back.
Sigh.
I feel so numb. In trying to do the right thing, I feel I’ve only made it worst. There’s a saying for this: out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I’m quite exhausted actually. Everything’s looming ahead of me and this horrendous sense of dread just eats away at me.
I’m fighting what I cannot see – I just feel it to be impossible.
The waters seem to rise above my head, and no matter how hard I try to lift myself out from beyond their grasp, I never quite seem to escape.
Where I once flew high and free in the endless blue sky, I’m now helpless, hopeless, lost and grounded.
I don’t want to write anymore; I don’t want to think; I don’t want to crystallize.
What’s the point when all I have are but memories?
All whom I love, where are you? It’s all in vain.
Soon my dear, soon you’d have me. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? Be patient. Already they are working hard at it. Yes, I feel the knife slowly cutting away. A little while longer, and they shall no longer see me. Soon.
Goodbye guys.
“Invade me now,
My ruthless friend,
And make me cower in the dark,
Remind me that I’m all alone,
And draw upon my face your mark.
How is it you capture me,
When all my thoughts deny your force?
Is it the reptile in my brain,
That lets your terror run its course?
Despite our quest for lofty goals,
Baseless fear undoes us all.
We would be Gods don’t just die,
Fear just freezes our souls.
It keeps us mute when feeling love,
Reminding us what we might lose.
And if by chance we meet success,
Fear tells us which safe route to choose.”The razor’s edge does charm me like the moon…
Father, I’m sorry; in the end it was I who betrayed You.
*closes his eyes and breathes in deeply*I'm afraid now; afraid to do something wrong; to take the wrong step; say the wrong word.
The confidence that was in me I’ve lost. Now I know I’ve hurt you…
If I stay this way, too afraid to move for fear of hurting you, things will take a turn for the worst.
So I’d move on, slowly, following through each step with the next.
I’m stepping into the eye of the storm; will I have found the strength I need to pass through it this time?
I’d never know unless I try.
Looking into my heart, I feel an affirming, a knowing of self-worth. Looking to God I see the light of hope shine bright.
Yes, yes I’d keep my eye on You Father; steady me as I walk.
Oh I don’t ever want to hurt you again; neither do I want to grieve His Spirit.
I yield.
Father,Thank You for being faithful and true, bearing us up in Your strong right hand, keeping us from being dashed to pieces, and to have the fruit of love be made void.
I confess Lord, that I was in the wrong to have thought myself able to be independent of You. In my arrogance I averted my eyes from the truth but in Your grace You prevented calamity from befalling.
Father, I was wrong to have been prideful. By pride comes nothing but strife. In my haughtiness I thought myself greater than I was. Thus I stumbled and was made low, for in looking towards the stars I fell flat against the ground.
I thought I knew everything but I was wrong; I knew nothing yet as I had ought to know – knowledge puffs up, but love edifies.
It was for love that all things were done, for Your purposed that we were birthed. May it never again be that I would fall into the temptation of think myself lofty, Lord. Help me keep sight of the hope of my calling, and the higher purpose to which we are all called.
Thank You Father, for truly love has saved the day. Dalglish did ask a question Father that I couldn’t answer: What if it happens again? I pray You would inspire him in that very moment with Your will for things to be. Even then, I dare not put You to the test. Indeed Father, nothing is impossible with You; there is nothing You cannot do with those who have fully yielded to you. I yield Lord, my will to Your even stronger will. Use it to Your purpose, Father I pray.
Truly blessing You have blessed, and multiplying You have multiplied. Thank You for the blessing of such a relationship with Dalglish. Thank You for the love that shines ever brightly.
A little faith goes a long way. I have faith in us Father, I pray that Dalglish would come to have faith in us too – where faith and love go hand in hand, miracles happen.
True to our calling may we be I pray – of one mind, of one Spirit, of one accord, and of one love.
I pray for love.
The miracle has begun.
Amen.
(I love you Dalglish. Thank you for loving me enough to forgive me and believe in us.)
Monday, November 25, 2002
My preliminary analysis of Socratic thought is that it’s such a shenanigan at trying to quantify and qualify everything.What arrogance.
His maxim it seems is lost to him: Man, know thyself.
If he truly knew himself, he would have understood his limited scope.
His greatest mistake in thought life is in his omission of humanity’s greatest gift – freewill.
God has allowed us to participate actively in the process of creation by granting us free will, but with each of these that we choose to be, God has allowed us to experience to the very depths of our being, how our choices affect the lives of others, and that of ourselves; Should we not like what we have created, we can choose therefore to resolve them. Therefore, an important purpose of mortality is to help us learn to recognize and to choose the positive even though the negative more fully surrounds us. We make this choice consciously or unconsciously in every moment of the day, and these millions of tiny choices create the foundation of our identity. We are what we think. We are what we say, what we do, what we fill our lives with; we are what we choose. Ultimately, every being creates himself by these countless, crucial choices.
I do understand his heart though. There was such decadence then, as there still in now.
Men’s feeble attempts at omnipotence is laughable.
“But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty,” – 1st Corinthians 1:27
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” – Isaiah 55:9
Told Denise I may well be having a breakdown.Went to see Kenneth for some Valium to ease things up a little. He refused me, which was wise I guess. If anything, it’s not psychiatric but psychological help I need.
Serene, where are you???
I realise I’ve not read substantially for a long time now. Went to the library to borrow the Great Books. Started reading Plato’s Dialogues. I can’t seem to remember why I stopped reading. Reading before I sleep used to be a habit of mine.
I walked through the Botanical Gardens again, if only to relive yesterday. Sigh, I miss Dalg…
Hmmm, I thought much about what has happened, and decidedly, I’m going to get my life back. I’ve been stagnant for far too long; seems as though I’ve been sedated. Need to live again.
Should I reinvent myself too? God’s moving in my life now, and I don’t want to do anything that would undermine Him. I’d just read, pray, trust and see how things go.
*hugs his bolster and closes his eyes*
I’m missing you…
These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home*tears streams down his cheeks as the cries of his heart ravage his body, leaving him weak. The darkness sets in, closes in slowly, encroaching, waiting, waiting… still a light shines, far brighter than the darkness, brighter till the dawning day*
I remember you Tori, I remember the times you sang to my sorrow, that day in my heart, where I was all alone, bitterly alone. The pain came in waves then, the torrents of pain and bitter sorrow. You sang to me when I was all alone – you sang me to my grave.
I read Cuixian’s blog. I read Dalglish’s blog. I read Shengwu’s blog. I read Michael’s blog.
But I didn’t read. I lived. I lived moment after moment. Oh the pain, the anguish, the bitter regret and deep sorrow. It’s tearing me up. I can’t take it. I’m being swept away and sundered by it. I scream but no sound comes out…
*cries out in agony. Closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, keeping silent. The thoughts coming to him slowly, the light still shining bright: I need to let go; I need to let go to take hold*
I wept. I wept for their pain. I wept for the innocence lost. I wept for life.
Oh the pain, the pain the pain. What terrible, terrible pain. It’s tearing up my heart.
No man can help another fight his battles, this I’ve come to know, this I’ve learnt through much suffering. All that I have I offer freely - my all.
I realise that there’s this entire life behind things, and God in His benevolence force, wants me to know that there’s no reason to be afraid. Ever.
Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it; my heart is going to cave in.
*lets go*
I got down on my knees and started to pray. With all my heart I prayed. May the grace that has been given to me, pass also to them, I prayed. In bitterness of soul, I wept in anguish. I prayed in my heart, my lips moved but without utterance.
I wept for blessings; I wept for life; I wept for healing of the scars that remain; I wept for rebirth, and I ceased – I wept for love.
I imbued all that I am into my prayer, my heart and my soul. Infused with life, my prayer started to move as it came into being. A shudder rippled through it, and then it shimmered and glowed with the radiance of love. Slowly it rose, slowly it lifted, higher and higher, carrying with it, all my hopes and dreams – higher and higher until it passed beyond sight.
It’s all in me. It’s always been in me. My gift.
Times of sorrow have passed; I have shared in their spirit, and now I move in their soul; where i have shared in their sorrow, let me now share in their life.
Yes, Oh Lord, may it be, what love You have shown unto me, I too will show unto them.
The light, the light shines ever brighter - love breaks the chains.
Just got off the phone with Dalglish. I must say I’ve been left with a lot to think about, but more importantly, to accept and internalise.I got to know Dalg’s thoughts about pertinent issues:
1) You must live your life for yourself; no one can be the center of someone's life - it's too draining.
2) You must love yourself before you can believe others can come to love you too.
3) A relationship isn't about balancing an equation to fill in the respective voids in each other’s lives. Only when two people are balanced can they live with each other – a relationship isn’t based on needs.
4) No matter how close two people are, there will come times when they’d be apart. No matter how much you miss them, be happy still. Though they're not as near as before, they aren’t withdrawing from you. Trust in your heart and have faith in the relationship. Be optimistic and have hope.
5) People come and go but that doesn't mean that relationships with them aren't important. Think of it this way: your relationship with yourself is more important. Be yourself, be happy, be positive, and you'd see that things have a way of working out.
6) You can never know what another person is thinking for sure. You can only be accountable to yourself, and everyone can only be accountable to themselves. If you try so hard to figure other people out you'll mess yourself up.
I realize too that I must have the humility and grace to listen to others. Been intimidating poor Dalg!!! ^.^ But it’s true lah, I gotta be willing to listen and learn.
I need to internalize all this, it’s all head knowledge now.
Sunday, November 24, 2002
*closes his eyes, taps his hand softly against his thigh along to the beat, and sways his body slowly as he sings: “Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be close to you… Why do stars fall down from the sky, every time you walk by? Just like me, they long to be close to you…”*What an exquisite day. *closes his eyes and hums along to the music of his heart* Dalglish, thank you for the colour you’ve brought into my life my dear. *sighs softly in contentment* This warm fuzzy feeling in my heart courses through me even as I write…
I love it, every moment of it. Spent the day absorbed in Dalglish. We had a heart-warming tête-à-tête for a long while over at the Coffee Bean. I was in tatters this morning owing to rabid shyness that afflicted me the moment I saw Dalglish.
Too bashful to look him in the eye, too chary to be who I am in front of the others.
We talked extensively over issues of the heart at the Coffee Bean. I was being difficult at first but I slowly eased up after awhile and opened myself fully to him, allowing him inside.
I can’t describe it; I can’t explain this wondrous feeling I feel. It’s like rapture…
I’m just so inexplicably comfortable with him, completely at ease, without a hint of doubt or fear whatsoever.
Am I swooning? ^.^
*hugs his knees to his chest and breathes in slowly*
We went to play some games at the arcade but it turned out to be a rather harrowing ordeal for me to just watch him get killed by just about everything! *laughs* Goodness!!! To bring him gaming is just plain cruelty!!!
Hahaha, I loved it anyway though, we were together, enjoying ourselves, and that’s all that matters *smiles warmly*
Took a bus to the Botanical Gardens and we got to chat some more en route. Shared with him how it was during primary school days that my friends and I would sing songs to alleviate the tedium of morning bus rides to school. There was once when it was raining, and it was cold and all inside the bus, I remember all of us singing a song that goes, “There was an old man who had a dog and bingo was his name o’. B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O, and bingo was his name o’!”
It’s was absolutely brilliant, hahaha, just singing like that on the bus that rainy day, forever vividly etched into my mind will be the memory of how a bunch of tots who had not a care in the world, could sing songs of youth with the passion and wild abandon gifted in all children....
I’m such a kid aren’t I? Will someone please tell me to grow up? =)
I clasped his hand in mine and for that one moment in time, that fraction of eternity, I could feel his soul, all that’s in him, just flow from the union of our hands and well up in my heart. I understood him completely, I felt his soul in its entirety – I felt him, I breathed him, I smelt him – I became him.
I kept quiet for the rest of our journey, contend to let just relish his nearness to me.
We peregrinated around the Botanical Gardens, breaking the silence with interludes of experiences in times previous. I shared about Jonathan and he, about someone dear to him. Our souls mingled in the midst of our sharing, and deep in me, I felt there welled this insatiable feeling of overwhelming contentment and bliss. I had no need for anything else, just him – the perfect harmony of kindred.
We reached a clearing and sat on one of the benches there. He placed his arm across my shoulder and I nestled my head comfortably. Glimpses of life strolled slowly past us – a man cradling his baby, a children with their parents on a jog, tots on wheels making a mad dash to the finish of their imaginations, couples in heat, a father picking up flowers for his infant son, some owners taking their dogs out for a walk, dogs taking their masters out for a run – whirling past us; what a rich tapestry of life…
I huddled closer to him then, more for comfort than for warmth. I breathed in deeply; inhaling the pulse of life welling from the richness of my surroundings, inhaling the fragrance of the flower scented breeze that tantalised my skin, inhaling the stillness of that fraction of time – I surrendered to the moment.
I closed my eyes and eased my chin unto my knee, musing and relishing everything. My thoughts lingered on the dedication service earlier today, wherein God revealed that I cannot be ensnared by any vices of the world if I want to grow into my fullest potential in Him, for before Him, I must be sanctified, justified, and holy unto Him.
I’m not unaware of the wicked one, for I felt him stirring in me. I prayed the Lord bear us up in His strong right hand and keep us from every evil that threatens to pervert and warp my relationship with Dalglish.
The wicked one will have no place in me, no place in us.
I love him. I honestly love him; in ways I never knew I could love someone – so wholly, so utterly, so truly.
As is the title of the song in my heart, I shared with Dalglish that I desire to be close to him –so close, so utterly whole-heartedly close…
I sent him home and on the bus I just kept quiet, kept still. My hand clasped fast in his, neither of us trying to speak the commune of our hearts.
Indeed the heart communes best when it does not try to speak.
I told him I’d miss him, as he was about to get off the bus. He just placed his hand on my chest and said that he’d be in my heart. So long as I look to my heart, he’d never be far away. He told me I needed to believe that. No matter how busy he may get he’s not drifting away. Both of us want this relationship to last a lifetime.
I love you Dalglish – I love you; I love you; I love you.
[Father I thank You for all You’ve done in our lives. Truly Father, nothing happens by coincidence, everything in its perfect time and due season – everything for it’s reason. We know that all things work together for the good of those who love You, those who are called according to Your purpose. May it be Lord, that You would bless this relationship we share – one in Spirit, one in Truth, one of Love.
I pray we prevail against the wicked one in Your light; building each other up, encouraging one another, loving each other as You have loved us, and growing together in You.
The purpose for which we’re born, the purpose for which we came to knowledge of You blazes in our hearts. The hope of our calling ever before us, the faith and the love to push us – Your Word to guide us.
In fighting the good fight of faith, I pray You bless us in every way and guard our members against the fiery darts of the wicked one. May we always be vigilant, knowing that the escape of our temptations come at the threshold. I pray for Dalglish and myself, that we would love each other, our brothers and sisters, as You have loved us, and in our unity may Your love be made perfect. Amen.]
