Friday, December 27, 2002
Finally -FINALLY- updated this blog. dOh! I like totally forgot about it =) Sorry Robin, for 'em out-dated entries~Went back to school today for orientation and I kept smiling like some silly dufus. Can't explain it. I was bracing myself for taunts but as I was praying on the bus, this 'glow' just welled within me and there was such incredible joy that enveloped me. It's finally happening (thank God!), my perception to alot of things is now graced with such light and insight. I prayed to have His perspective to all that I witness, to look at the heart of things as they truly are and it's happening. I was taught well about my fallacious presumptions and - yes! - the veil's being removed ^.^
You know, indelibly changed are my thoughts on various issues of paramountcy. The answers are coming more readily to me now than in times previous, and even now, the hope of my calling beckons. I don't want to be mired by myself anymore, may the truth be my guide and my standard.
Got to know two wonderful people today (hello joy! heya shawn!), and their blogs are a real treat =) Yichiao's wanting to go out with me, but I'm sure as hell lost as to what we'd be doing! Hahaha, sheesh, Singapore's just so limited. Money give you options, true, but you need options to begin with! like HELLO! Shengwu, go tell your granddad to do something~
You know what guys? I've gotten back my inner smile ^.^
(thanks for all ya prayers and lurve: michele, fred, michael, shengwu, sophia, jirong, pst. yk, bryan, ian sheng [dar-link! hahaha], sicheng, daniel, not to mention all ya techno geeks who've done nuthin but read me blog and uplifted me too! hahaha ^.^)
Love ya all and Merry Christmas *hugs and kisses*~
Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come and make your rule
And touch my inner smile
Come get my inner smile, smile, smile
Yeaaaaah yeaaaaaaaah
Thursday, December 26, 2002
Tuesday, December 24, 2002This radiance courses through me, warming my heart and nourishing my soul in the splendour of its effulgence. Oh Father, thank You. I thought You had meant to restore us, but now the revelation has come. The sheer scope and magnitude of Your merciful redemption encompasses far more than that. Indeed it's written, You are able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can ask or imagine – You are returning me my life, to mercifully restore all that I've forfeited... Oh Lord... thank You. I'd keep growing, I won't grow faint. I press Father. Thank You for Your steadfast love; in moments I didn't believe, You believed in me...
Oh, sing to the LORD a new song!
For He has done marvelous things;
His right hand and His holy arm have gained Him the victory.
The LORD has made known His salvation;
His righteousness He has revealed in the sight of the nations.
He has remembered His mercy and His faithfulness to the house of Israel;
All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God. – Psalms 98: 1~3
Sunday, December 22, 2002The silence is becoming more comfortable.
I need to be still.
Saturday, December 21, 2002“…I have to believe that he can be brought back.” – Froddo
Many thoughts coursed through my mind intermittently and a wealth of emotions was aroused as the moments Froddo had with Smeagol unfolded. Froddo believed that Smeagol could be redeemed. How many could have forseen, how could Froddo have known, that the fate of Middle-Earth lies hinged on Smeagol’s redemption? All would have been lost if he could not be. Froddo reached out in love and that made all the difference – love.
Sam only saw what he wanted to see: Gollum the conniving, the liar, the false. Froddo looked to Gollum's beginning and that's why Gollum was Smeagol to him, a being fallen from grace. By virtue of that there was hope in that it’s possible that he can be redeemed; pain drove Smeagol further into the encroaching darkness, love brought him back.
Often it’s so easy to criticise someone but to look beyond that takes a person of quality. You taught me well. I’m trying to look without prejudice and presumption, to take a person for who he is, the diamond in the rough. In my heart I realise this, that if we are truly aware of the person we are, we better appreciate others for who they might be.
Love brings hope and light to all things.
Each day is a voyage of discovery and each person may be that mile stone along the way. How I see others determines the quality of my journey, everything’s bound to my perception. I pray I would have the right perspective, the glass being half full.
Dalg, thanks.
I’m more aware of myself now. There’s an acute tendency to revert back and I’m struggling against it. Sometimes things seem insurmountable and utterly discombobulated. I realise now the true significance of God asking me why I do what I do. The reason compels us. The hope of purpose shines brightest in the deepest night.
I press on.
You’ve effected a great change in me. Things I once was so sure about, I now doubt. This pall hangs looms over me, and everything’s lost in shadow – ambiguous and protean...I'm feeling somewhat frustrated but I’m still trusting. I’d just be patient in the meantime and do what I can.
Friday, December 20, 2002Three years went by and it strikes me that all this time, I never did think of Meifei till Kinfoong mentioned her. Goodness, it seems like just yesterday, only moments ago, that we strolled along the beach watching the sunrise whilst picking up seashells. There was this beautiful white seashell half the size of my palm we saw lying on the beach. She picked it up and pressed it into my hand, telling me to treasure it and remember the memory of that day... You know, I still have that seashell? I kept it in my ‘special’ drawer hahaha =) Oh my goodness… it’s been so long. GAwd! I really miss you guys!
My heart’s all warm and fuzzy now, hahaha, warm thoughts are flooding my mind. Oh man… I’m really gonna cry. It's been years! There's so much I want to tell you guys, so much I want you to share in, so much that you've missed of my life, of my growing up. We said we’d grow up together didn’t we…
In a way, I know we still are. Though you guys are no longer as near as before, we’re still close at heart~ Man, you guys really love me... Bah, I can just imagine hearing you calling me a silly little kid again hahaha =) Yea well, the silly little kid’s growing up!
Shiming, thanks for writing what you wrote. Yoong Chuan, your words still inspire. Dalg, thanks for your lessons; I’m still learning from you and what you're giving. To all you people out there, you know who you are – hugs and kisses =)
Wednesday, December 18, 2002Talking to Shiming really got me thinking. Everyone’s going places. He’s Oxford bound, Kinfoong’s headed for Leeds. William’s at Caltech, Adam’s at Warrick, Tommy’s with Carnegie Mellon, U-Shuan’s with UCLA, James' at Julliard, David’s at M.I.T, etc. Everyone’s growing up and its time I take my place amongst them once more.
For so long I didn’t want things to change, I didn’t want to lose you. But with all that’s happened recently, I realise I’ve changed too. You taught me well.
I’m not as affected by our distance anymore. Sure I miss you, but I’ve finally come to understand that no matter how close two people are, there will come times when we’d be apart. I love you immensely; you need only to look to your heart to know it's true – I always will. I’m happy for you, with all that you’ve achieved and come to and I know you’re happy for me too, seeing that I’ve grown into my own person.
We’ve got all our lives before us. Truly we’ve only just begun. Thank you for sharing a part of your journey with me. Thank you for growing up with me. I’d see you again. I know we will. I have faith in us.
In the secret places of my heart, there you’d be.
if we hold on together
i know our dreams will never die.
dreams see us through till forever,
as high as souls can fly
the clouds roll by,
for you and I...
Monday, December 16, 2002Upon retrospect, I could have just given into the mounting frustration and anger. I was totally pissed off with the way things were going. It was just so bleak. What's the point in trying when it's obvious I keep getting shit thrown at me?
Shengwu couldn't understand why I was so bothered, and for awhile, neither could I. I try and I try and I try but somehow, nothing seems to be enough.
I relented and shared with God how I felt. It dawned unto me then, that I need to see things 'differently', from His perspective. I felt encouraged, that I should keep trying. This experience is really strengthening my character.
You know, I cried when I prayed for him. God questioned my intent, and the question I realise, was more for me than it was for Him. He asked me why I was doing this. The answer of my heart rang true: if the impetus for my endeavours is for restoration, then may my prayers never be answered; I've not been endeavouring towards that at all, in fact, I've not been endeavouring towards anything. The true catalyst which has compelled me is incredibly simple – love.
May it be, that what love and grace has been given me pass on also to those around me. I know how it feels to have been hurt and I never want to hurt anyone again.
The answers are coming, and I'm beginning to see things 'differently'. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Faith, Hope and Love, the greatest of these is Love.
Oh Father... my heart was grieved and my spirit broken, but I thank You for the healing that's even now taking place. The worst must come before it can get better; there will come soft rains after the storm. Temper me and shape me, I pray. I yield Lord, I yield.
Nothing done in love is ever in vain, love makes all things worthwhile; love never fails.
Kinfoong, Shiming, you guys... I miss you so much. It's taken me some time, but I'm ready now, less lost than I once was. Wait for me ok? I'm coming, I'm coming. I'd take my place amongst you once more; the prodigal son is returning.
Be still my soul, be encouraged my heart, the hope of my calling is shining, beckoning. One step at a time yea? Yea... I'm coming.
Sunday, December 15, 2002Ahahaha! I'm having writers' block! Can you believe it? Must be all the Christmas cards! *laughs*
Chatted with Kinfoong for awhile. Gee, it's been like 4yrs since we last met. Damned circumstances, it's either he's too busy or I'm too busy! gRrrr~ It felt so good to talk to him again. He's changed, more mellow and matured now (it's a good sign), and I'm glad the warmth in his voice is still there. He'd be off to the UK for 1 month prior enlistment. He sounds all psyched up for life, just totally rearing to go and let lose! Atta boy =)
I'm not far behind, wait for me guys, I'd join you all soon *smiles*
Just got back from church. Much has happened within the span of two days. Stayed up all night to write out Christmas cards, you can’t begin to imagine how totally zonked I am now… yea, I’d broach on it more later.My right hand’s trembling from over exertion. The funny thing is, when I was doing everything, I felt it to be so worthwhile, no question about it. But somehow, when I gave them out so eagerly, I wondered if I would have wasted my time. Would it mean as much to them as it does to me?
Heck! I’d never know what another person’s thinking for sure. In the spirit it was given, I hope it would be received yea? Just so darn tired now, right down to the bone.
Father please…
Thursday, December 12, 2002[11th Dec, Wednesday: Session 3]
Me: I want... to know ... the truth.
Dr. Tay: Do you? Haven't you spent your whole life denying it?
Me: My lapses of feigned nescience: used consciously at first to keep from revealing my true mettle, have now become uncontrollable. My clumsiness: a body at odds with its spirit. My inability – or is it refusal – to call to mind knowledge that might give me too much power, unwanted power, power that might tempt me into amour propre. Constantly putting myself in the role of observer, refusing to act for good or ill.
Dr. Tay: Tempt you?
Me: You’re right. I know I’m weak. The temptation would have been too strong, was too strong. I gave in to it – helping others when their demise would have averted the tragedies that followed.
Dr. Tay: Why did you help them? Why love Kevin? Your enemy? An enemy who has vowed in his heart to crush you? Search your heart for the answer, the true answer.
Me: Sigh... you’ll be disappointed. I wish I could say I acted because of some noble ideal – chivalrous honour, self-sacrificing courage. But I didn’t. In their case, it was pity. Pity for unloved children, holding love in contempt, to live without ever knowing a moment’s happiness. And Kevin? I walked in his skin, for a few brief moments. I understand him. I think I understand him better than he understands himself.
Dr. Tay: Pity, mercy, compassion.
Me: That’s all I’m afraid.
Dr. Tay: That is everything.
Me: And what of Dalglish? He trusted me Dr. Tay… and… and he really loved me. In my outrecuidance, I’ve hurt him… his sentiment on love is embittered now – love has lost its effulgence. Woe is me to have done such a thing! I will have to live with the knowledge that I’ve done this terrible evil to him; how does one live with himself knowing that he’s hurt another…
Dr. Tay: What you did, you did for love. Evil has come out of it, but – if you are strong – good will prevail.
Me: I still love him Dr Tay… not a day has past without me being wretched. I can’t listen to Robbie William’s “Feel” and go past KAP without reminiscing with nostalgia the time we spent there... the exquisite day we had at the botanical gardens… coffee bean… the arcade… the food court… are all places I shun now... it's just too painful...
Every time I see him, I’m riveted in compunction and anguish by the living reminder of how utterly I’ve failed in representing His love. The provision made for by God, the Spirit and purpose behind it all, in both the spiritual and physical sense, between us – him, God and myself – the triune of body, soul and spirit would have been wholly satisfied had it not been for my woefulness then…
All he’s ever done was love me, and did want to help me by learning from him, from what he could give. I did not understand then but now I do! He helped me see Dr. Tay… Dalglish loved me enough to see me through, but in the end it was I who made him feel as though it’s been in vain. To give up would be to have everything he’s ever done for me be in vain. That’s why I will never give up…
Dr. Tay: What about faith and love?
Me: Such a sentiment might read well in a child’s bedtime story, but in the brokenness of my spirit and the bitter grief of my heart…
Dr. Tay: Jared…
Me: You know, it’s funny. Dalglish mentioned it once. He said he couldn’t promise never to hurt me, for he may well do so without even knowing it. He told me he might hurt me, and he said that if I have faith, I’d know that he could love me too. Faith. Faith and love... I once talked about it with such ardour.
Dr. Tay: You’re speaking about faith and love in the past tense…
Me: Can he truly have faith in me? With all that’s happened, can I have faith in myself again?
Dr. Tay: Didn’t you share with me that through Dalglish you learnt that you must love yourself before you can believe others can come to love you? Is this not so now? It’s all in a balance Jared; only when two people are in equilibrium can they be with each other – a relationship isn’t based on needs.
Me: Dalglish told me that too... I’ve learnt that now. Dr. Tay, that night when I slashed my wrist, a part of me died. My friend gella asked if I had lost something, she said I look so woeful… I guess I have. I’m growing now. I wish Dalggy could see; I wish he’d know that he has made a difference in my life, that he hasn’t wasted his time – validation.
Dr. Tay: You want him to know that it was worth it; that you are worth it?
Me: … yes … but I’m not sure if I’m worth it…
Dr. Tay: You must have been for him to have wanted to be with you.
Me: I don’t know… sigh … I’ve refrained from propinquity with him. My friend Michele said he feels irked by me…Every time I see him online, every time I glance over his name through my phonebook, a pang arises in my heart and it strickens me. It keeps looming over me – my abject failure. To keep things cordial, I do message him albeit few and far between. I try to be passive, to not have any hopes; nevertheless, a silver of the longing for things to ameliorate pervades my mind. I’ve taken many steps towards him, yet with each time, he’s negated me… Maybe he’s just disgusted with me… Maybe he’s happier now without me…
You know last night in my prayer, I prayed that whatever God’s will is for us, if there’s an ‘us’, be done. I told God that I realise He knows the desires of my heart before its utterance; He takes pleasure in giving me joy for He’s able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can ask or imagine; I will actively partake in asking over this matter, regarding me and Dalglish, but I pray Lord that my desires will not encumber His for us. Whatever it's outcome, I prayed He would steady my heart and take me deeper; this experience, however costly, may I learn from.Dr. Tay: Faith and love.
Me: …I once told Dalglish that faith and love will be our miracle…
Dr. Tay: Have faith Jared, maybe it’s not too late.
Me: Oh Dr. Tay… what will I not give to make things right? All I need is a chance to make amends… I love him Dr. Tay. Indeed I do still love him and I hope he loves me too… Too early… too late. Please, not too late! Hope is all I have left.
Dr. Tay: Keep growing.
Me: I am growing...
Dr. Tay: I know you are, and Jared...
Me: Yes?
Dr. Tay: Have faith too.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002nigella: “jared, are you alright?”
me: “yea… why?”
nigella: “you seem so woeful… it’s as though you’ve lost something…”
me: “yea, maybe… alot has happened gelle... maybe the me you know isn't quite the same anymore…”
Remind me just how hard it can be
To forget
I said things I didn't mean
You saw things you shouldn't have seenSigh.
Wednesday, December 04, 2002It's been 3 days of silence.
Sunday, December 01, 2002Please don’t view me with contempt.
If only the last two days could be blotted out – what will I not give to make things right again?
Don’t go.
I do still love you and hope you love me too…
The welt on my wrist has healed; I know healing is taking place in other spheres for which I’m thankful…*closes his eyes and breathes in deeply*
I love you.
Thursday, November 28, 2002NO SHIT! Today’s da tops! Shitty things kept hitting da fan all week and heh, things are finally looking up (THANK YOU FATHER!!!) =)
Took a peek at something I probably shouldn’t have (I’m a bad boi), and wad I saw really really encouraged me lotZ (shan’t elaborate)! Hahaha~
Got a surprise up me sleeve, at least, I still hope it’s a surprise *crosses fingers*!!!
Oh boy! Oh boy! I can’t wait till Friday!!! *flips* Daryl kept telling me to relax, and Shengwu din do me no favors by telling me, and I quote, ‘don’t sweat it man’. SHEESH! Sod ur annoying lackadaisicalness!!! GRrrr!!!
I’m like all psyched up over tomorrow. But aye, I gotta get cash in hand first. Thanks Sophia for being my relief ATM =) You go girl!
OH OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE READ ME BLOG (u noe who u are!!! ^.^)!!! *totally wacked now* hahaha, and I din noe whether or not to read in between da lines! SHEESH, why did you hafta pull dat dotty thing on me by going ‘…’ at da end of wad u said? Duncha noe it makes it suggestive!!! Oh I so wanna strangle you right now!!! *pulls up his sleeves*
Now now, pls dun scold me or be sarcastic again after readin’ diz kaez? U gave me quite a shock da last time! Be nice to me leRhz~ ^.^
dOh!
^.^
WHEEW!!!
Oh hey, I was doing quiet time today and my gosh, dere was diz tremendous radiance welling up in me heart as I read Exodus 15:1~21!!! Thru dat passage God gave me so much empowerment. He’s da hand dat saves! Yea!!! I’m on da rite track! I’m going da rite way! (does a spoof of sara from 'The Land Before Time: We're going to da great valley!!! :p )
I juz closed me bible after reading dat passage, went on my knees and started praying. I was so lost in da ecstasy of prayin’ I had no sense of how much time passed till I finally stopped!!! In da midst of my prayer, I had an inspiration from God regarding Dalggy.
Oh boy! Oh boy! Daryl, Sheng, Mich, Mei, Rong(2) pls pls be dere tmr if you can lerhz… really really need ta fulfil da inspiration!!! I’ve got a darn gd feelin’ abt diz! WOO!
Unfortunately, Dalg’s decidedly dissing me now =(
Wun reply to me icq. Bah, he juz left in a huff and a puff cuz I wouldn’t tell him wad a certain someone *cough cough* smsed me! hahaha! Well u noe who u are lerzh, and in case u’re abit dim today, u’re da one I wanna strangle! Hahaha =)
Oei Dalg… dun ignore me… *sob sob*
Hahaha~
Cheerios!
[*sMirkz* I'm so gonna mess up ur hair when I see you Dalggy. Hahaha, diss me somemore lah! *wiNkz* lurve ya silly boi~ *hUgz* =)]
Wednesday, November 27, 2002Had a great workout today. Slogged away at the gym from 10am to 2pm, and worked up a good sweat. I realise that I really need to whip my upper body in shape. The darn thing about having a runner's body is that it very much sux when I try to lift weights and shiet. *grumbles* I'd stick to this routine for a week and see how it goes lah. If I'm really too pooped to last the week than I'd cut some corners~
Think I saw Waihan outside library@orchard, but she din recognise me. Silly me, I mixed up Neil Gaiman with Neil Diamond, and it's only when I got home that I realised it's Gaiman and not Diamond. Bah, din get to look-see any of his books. Got Salman Rushdie's 'The Ground Beneath Her Feet' though, wager that should make up for it ^.^
Had a really hard time keeping it all together today. I'm just all alone *sigh*. There were times I just felt so empty, then I hardened my heart. The thing is either way it's wrong; I gotta find some way to work thru diz shiet. Psyches himself up: work with me here, stay true to your prayer, you can do it.
Just spoke to Dalglish, and I'm always happier when he's around. *sigh* I realise that he's not always gonna be around and I've gotta try be my own person... *looks downcast*
... Father, I'm trying really hard ...
Trashed Sunday's camping plans. His folks won't allow him camping unless it's a group affair. But I thought it quite weird, I mean, from what he told me, he stayed over at *CENSORED*'s house so isn't that a duo too? I honestly dunno who else to ask along... Was so looking forward to spending the night at the beach... *feeling really shitty* Oh screw this.
Sigh.
I feel like crying again.
Father I'm going to give myself a chance to change, please, please don't let me get me...
Had enough of listening to Tori strum the depth of my soul’s sorrow and imbuing upon my grief her anguish; I was going crazy just listening to her songs. Though I was turning into a maniac depressive just by listening to her, somehow I didn’t want to stop listening… it’s as if she held my soul in thrall.Wanted to sleep, to just drown out all the anguish and bitterness of my soul.
Yet I lay in bed. Thinking.
Why am I feeling like this?
I opened up my heart to God about my deeply rooted pain.
Shared with Him a lot of shit I didn’t dare admit even to myself. I realise that all the people whom I’ve poured so much of my heart into loving have no regard for me. No, not an iota.
Thought a lot about Dalglish and all that’s been happening. Revelation upon revelation burst into my mind. In the midst of my intense soliloquy I realised with abject wretchedness, the human condition of my heart.
I pondered too about my life and the appalling state it’s in.
Everything was just racing across my mind. Intermittent flashes of insight came with startling clarity.
I couldn’t endure anymore; I just wanted to run away. So I did.
I donned my track shoes and ran. Time just flew past me as I was running. All my thoughts I shoved away; I had one single objective – to run.
I ran and I ran. Each step brought me closer; each step took me further. Blood was pounding at my temples and I was going dizzy. I wasn’t prepared for this. I started getting cramps but I just gritted my teeth and ignored them. I thought to myself: just sports, no games – I’m through with games.
With each step I took, I left a portion of myself behind; I was steeling myself.
I hated being me. I hated, absolutely loathed, being made so vulnerable by the very people I love.
It felt so good to run.
Eventually came to the P.I.E highway and that’s where I stopped. I just broke down. All the affliction and distress of my soul I had kept bottled up just surged out in torrents. I closed my eyes and clenched my fist. What stunned me was that I didn’t cry – was too grieved to cry.
Slowly I made my way back home.
I wanted to form an action plan. I told myself that never again would I love anyone as I have done before. People are just not worth it.
I thought of leaving church for good, and excommunicating all those self proclaimed lovers of mine.
I had called Sicheng up earlier today to tell him to take over for me; Dalglish tried smsing me but I didn’t respond either; prior my run, I promised myself that I will never again unburden myself to Dalglish for fear of him getting weary of me – I just shut everyone out.
When I was 5mins from home, something moved in me; it’s as though someone took over me and my lips moved without me willing it, and ‘I’ just called upon the Lord, and ‘I’ shared with Him all that ‘I’ was planning to do, but what I had planned to do suddenly changed as well, without me willing it!
I heard ‘myself’ telling Him that from now on I will start my day by reading His Word, and then I’d go to the gym. After gyming, I’d read books of calibre prior to praying in my Spirit for an hour. Thereafter I’d start studying. Everything pertaining to relationships I’d trust in the Father to move on my behalf.
I felt my Spirit being rekindled as I heard ‘myself’ say all the above and I prayed to God that He help me through this, help me stick to ‘my’ routine – to be disciplined.
Actually on this point, I realise that my faith in God is impuissant. Why do I need to pray the Father help me when He is already helping me? Is it not just to re-assure my pusillanimous faith?
I need to grow even more in the Lord.
As I neared my residence, my thoughts just unwittingly went to Dalglish again. I so wanted to share with him all that was happening to me, yet I was utterly, utterly, terrified by the prospect of him being driven to ennui that all thoughts of reaching for him immediately dissipated.
I really love him...
Well here I am, all hot and sweaty after my run. Here I am again.
My sorrow and grief is gone, perchance I had sweated it out? What remains is an inner calm.
I can do this. I believe I can with God’s help.
Somewhere, somehow, something within me is changing.
Father, I dream of a person who will discover me and that I too will discover someone who will love me, who is worthy of me, who is of this world, of this time, and has the grace and compassion and fortitude to walk beside me as I make my way through this beautiful pilgrimage of life; I dream of someone whom I can love with all my heart, and who will love me the same way back.
Father, I’ve come to realise, that I can never depend on anyone, for I must look to You. My folly was in turning to people, with hope that they’d be able to fill up the void in my heart, but alas, I’ve never been more wrong. None have proved themselves able, for they too are only human. My heart does wonder though, if they did truly pour all of themselves into it.
Whatever it is Lord, no matter my locality, it seems that no one really wants me. Sure, everybody wants the love but they will never love me back in turn.
I surrender Lord; I give up. Yes Father, I admit defeat. I was wrong about them, my brethren.
Keep me from wrath and the root of bitterness. I yield to You.
Thank You Father for being faithful, through it all, even now, You carry me.
I love You Father, because You first loved me.
Nothing will ever take Your place in my heart again. You will always be my first love.
Amen.
