Thursday, January 09, 2003
We should not settle for excellence when greatness is attainable.I want to go to OCS, I want to be the best I can be, I can’t wait to see what I’m capable of.
I’d no longer shy away from challenges and apply myself. Yes, this is what I will do – my best.
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
I’ve never lost my sense of wonder and I only ever write about what touches me deeply – the people I love, my thoughts, and my heartaches, et cetera – things that trigger a synapse and evoke a profusion of emotions within.In writing my blog, I endeavour a catharsis. It is in the process of writing that I tie down and straighten out my thoughts and reflect upon the day’s events. Everything I write is in the spirit of openness and candour. I don’t write for an audience, but neither do I mind sharing with you, whomever you may be, who so happens to peruse my entries. There is a reason why my blog is entitled, “The Journeying…”
I’ve recently been made aware of certain rogue elements, these quintessential shenanigans, who have engendered fallacy, perverseness, and moral decadence to what I’ve penned. I beseech you, with utmost sincerity; please desist from rescinding the innocence and honesty of which I expressed with my heart – simple, earnest, unadulterated.
My blog, my reflections, my life, isn’t a vessel into which any moron can pour his stupidities and indulge in his own erotic. He, you know who I’m talking about, and I, I assure you, are not in anyway controversial. Why must you construe what I wrote to be so? Doesn’t it show what’s already predominant in your mind? Sigh. Is it so hard to believe and have faith in purity?
Again I implore you; please, I urge you: in the spirit it was offered, take it. Don’t mar me, don’t carve a patina of scars and disfigure me, my life, or those who are dear to me.
Please?
My dad called. He’s been very understanding. Hmmm… what he asked me really made me think. He asked me which university I intent to go to. Gee… if anyone had asked me this years earlier, I would have immediately named Stanford. Now Stanford seems so far away, like some vague dream. I realise too, that there’s an underlying portent to why he asked me that: he wants to see me through. All’s not lost though. Stanford is still within my grasp. I just need to persevere and really discipline myself this time around.I need to eat more and sleep more, haven’t been getting much of those lately. My goodness, can you believe I actually lost weight (is that possible!)? I’m like 50.5kg now. Argh, not an ounce of fat! Sheesh! All lean, but I need fat to build more muscles damnit!!! Oh yea, I’ve gotten back to running =)
These few days have really taken its toll on me. All the fasting, what little sleep I’ve manage to eke out, the emotional upheaval – I cried so much yesterday – and what have yous… I’m so zapped but God’s tiding me through this. What would I do without Him? His promise that came yesterday has given me tremendous hope and I’m now praying in line with His revelation.
It dawned unto me that in the past year, I’ve cried more than all my years put together. It was really tumultuous and there’s still the aftermath with which I’m having to go through. God gave me a promise; oh I pray I won’t do anything to hinder His will!
I was so exhausted and frazzled, I didn’t manage to pray as I was fasting today so I just sang Him praise instead and waited till I got home to pray. Even then, somehow as I prayed I didn’t feel the effulgence as I’m wont to have each time I pray. I’m thankful He looks into my heart; the groanings of my spirit just can’t be expressed. Oh the bus today, I realised that so many aspects of me have changed but then I wondered if my character has changed? Sometimes when I’m so tired, I just lapse, and that’s when it goes horribly wrong. Little steps, little steps.
I love you guys, keep me in prayer kayz? God bless
So tired, really need to sleep now. (^.^)zZZzzz
Sunday, January 05, 2003
2nd Kings 19:14 ~ 19, 20: 3 ~ 3, and 20: 5 ~ 6 will forever be recherché to me…You know I wept bitterly and hot tears streamed down my cheeks today. I felt so defeated. I kept hearing his voice, the echo of his angry words seared right through me. I was so lost, so utterly helpless, and my spirit grew faint.
All this while, these many, many, weeks, not a day went by without me fasting and praying, upholding my petition before the Lord. Even in times when I was so weary and exhausted, I persisted on in prayer with His help.
I prayed for Him to move, for His will to be done, not mine; I yield. I prayed that if be ‘no’ then take away the desire from my heart to pray over this matter. Nevertheless, whatever it is, I prayed that the Father would send me His Holy Spirit to witness to me, be it ‘yes’ or ‘no’. For 4 weeks I persevered, then when I read the story of Elisha and Naaman (2nd Kings 5: 1 ~ 19) during my quiet time, it dawned unto me that perchance the Lord wants me to seek Him for a possible faith-building step of submission? So I prayed in accordance to revelation: Lord is there a step of faith You want for me to take? If so, show me oh Lord and I will take it.
Unknown to me, my prayer was immediately answered the next day. For hours I wrestled, trying to write what God has purposed for me to do, praying that His inspiration would befall me, praying what’s He’s blessed me with, may it be used to bless others too. With all my heart I prayed so much so that tears came to my eyes.
The inspiration came when I remembered Debbie’s blog; she had written about the wind. I sat down in front of my computer, and for the next few hours, I immersed myself in writing.
Immediately after I penned my narration, I didn’t feel the acknowledgement of God for my work. In my heart I knew why God was silent. He remained silent because it isn’t what was, just a shadow. Looking back upon all my works, I realise that the most beautiful one I’ve ever written was of that day; I was afraid that if I removed the veil, if I wrote in truth, things not being the way they were, it would only serve to aggravate.
God desires for a people who will worship Him in Spirit and in Truth, yet now, what I’ve written in His name, for His glory is not grounded in truth. I broke down and cried. I relented and wrote the true narrative. The moment I finished, the Holy Spirit touched me and it dawned unto me then, with clarity, that this may well be that step of faith God wants me to take!
I knew in my Spirit what was right to do but you see, I was afraid. I was afraid that he would be vexed and scoff in contempt. God remained steadfast in this; the veil, however beautiful my narrative remains, mutes the beauty of what I wrote: God rejects it. The quiddity that would touch the lives and inspire the hearts of multitudes is of love, companionship, and God. So many people look for this epochal tripartite, and my narrative seamlessly tied everything together – it would be a tremendous blessing to them.
I told God that though I was uncertain of the aftermath my narrative would harbinger, I was more mindful of pleasing Him, and doing what He wills for me to do. I obeyed His voice and I prayed He would carry me through.
Today I brought my narrative to church and would be meeting up with Daryl, Shengwu, Michael, and Sophia to trash things out later. But unforeseen events precipitated and as I sat on the bus, I was so mired in fear again, I just kept to myself and prayed: Help me oh Lord, please, please don’t let things take a turn for the worst.
So many doubts coursed through my mind and by the minute, I grew more faint: was I right to have prayed over us? The meeting with the guys went well and en route home, I was so affected by what happened earlier I couldn’t even pray. So many taunting voices, the echo of his voice, his anger then… I broke down when I got home, and I turned to prayer.
The doubts in my heart didn’t go away, but there was this deep peace that settled in my heart. I wrote an email out to the guys and I went to do my quiet time. I told God to speak to me with His rhema word, to reveal to me the truth, that the truth would be my guide and standard, leading me to obedience.
You know, I wept as I read those chapters I quoted earlier? I couldn’t stop crying as I read the prayer of Hezekiah and God’s response to him. What a parallel to what I’m going through right now! The Assyrian king is caricature of my doubts and the haunting echo of his anger, the prayer of Hezekiah’s kindred to mine. Hezekiah did not react to the threats of the enemy but cried out to the Lord for help, and the Lord replied with deliverance. When Hezekiah was told by Isaiah that he would die, he turned to the Lord and wept bitterly, the Lord replied by healing him. Is God encouraging me and telling me not to give up?
I struggled with this. I told God: let it not be my own feeble attempts to grasp and twist promises out of Your Word, to interpret Your Word according to my will, but let it be from You oh Lord, if it be that this is Your rhema word for me.
And again the feeling of satiating peace poured over me and a joy welled up in my heart. God confirmed it: a promise. God’s given me a promise! Delay does not mean denial: I will keep being proactive in my faith, to keep petitioning the Lord and uphold that matter of my heart before Him, I will not doubt nor waver again. I will cling to His promise.
[To you, for all that’s happened, I’m truly, truly so very sorry…]
you have made me glad, and i'd sing of the Lord:
you are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer,
my shelter, strong tower, my very present help in times of need... – Hillsongs: Made Me Glad
